Islam and Muslims in Britain -
A Guide for Non-Muslims
Photo Credit: Muslims In Britain
These 13 tips are useful for everyday rapists, armed robbers, drug dealers and other criminals as well. I know what you are thinking: "why would anyone in his right mind offer advice to the most violent, vicious, and vile elements of society on how to avoid getting arrested?"
Well, it's not my advice - I simply scoured US and UK police guidelines on how law enforcement should behave and operate around Muslim suspects. I have distilled these suggestions into 13 basic rules. Let me tell you that everything I write here is absolutely true and if you follow these 13 rules you can avoid arrest despite whatever crime you might have committed.
Phrases in Italics have been lifted directly from a police guide to handling Muslims in the UK.
- First and most importantly, if you are not already a Muslim - convert. You may notice that the majority of Muslims are blacks (not Arabs, at least in the US) and so are already prepared to take advantage of the remaining 12 rules. Please be aware that there are two groups of Black Muslims: Muslims who happen to be black and Blacks who are members of the black racist cult called "the Nation of Islam," which has almost nothing to do with Islam but will be useful anyway since law enforcement can barely tell one black from another let alone one Muslim from another.
- Buy a hijab or niqab and put it on. When cops knock on the door say in the squeakiest voice you can muster, "Mohammed is not home, I am alone." Cops are now instructed not to enter a Muslim home if only females are present.
- If people are praying at home officers should stand aside and not disrupt the prayer. They should be allowed the opportunity to finish.
If you don't think you can pull off the hijab-bit, hire a hijab-clad female to answer your door. When cops come a calling, simply start praying. Your servant can explain that you will be finished praying in 15 minutes. This should give you enough time to get rid of any drug stash, panties you kept from the last rape, guns, or any other evidence.
- Use of police dogs will be considered serious desecration of the premises and may necessitate extensive cleaning of the house and disposal of household items.
If you see a sniffer dog outside your door and you have drugs or explosives at home, fall on your knees, point at the dog in disgust and pretend you are ready to take your life with your prayer beads.
- Non-Muslims are not allowed to touch holy books, Qur'ans or religious artifacts without permission. Where possible, Muslim officers in a state of 'Wudhu' should be used for this purpose.
Hide your stuff in a hollowed out Qur'an. If the police come anywhere near the book start to wail and cry out, "Abu Ghraib again! Oh No Abu Ghraib, save me Allah!" Even if they come with a Muslim Officer, put a few bucks in the book and he'll take the bribe.
- Officers should not take shoes into the houses, especially in areas that might be kept pure for prayer purposes.
So if there is too much incriminating evidence and you need to make a run for it, do the following: Keep a box of broken glass and thumbtacks near an escape window and when the police come, ask them to remove their shoes. As soon as they do run for it, jumping out the window and taking the box with you. Spill the contents behind you as you run. Escape is successful in 97% of these cases.
- Police must avoid looking at unclad Muslim women and allow them to dress and cover their heads, so if you cannot keep the police out of your home have a naked female handy and put her in any room you want to protect. When they approach the room tell them that there is a naked female in the room and to please give her time to dress. She should be able to hide any evidence under a hijab.
- For reasons of dignity officers should seek to avoid entering occupied bedrooms and bathrooms.
Do I really need to tell you where to hide your stuff?
- If you have a small map of terrorist cells, you can hide it in your Taweez [a coded form of a few verses of the Qur’an on a small piece of paper, wrapped up and sealed inside a cloth package about the size of a tea bag, and usually hung round the neck]. Police are told it would be extremely discourteous to unwrap this.
- If you are a drug dealer, have all your sellers wear niqabs so that even with cameras the cops will not be able to identify anyone in a lineup. It doesn't matter whether they are male or female, as long as we have idiots in this country that allow people to walk around in disguises you can take advantage of this country.
- Advice should be sought before considering the use of cameras and camcorders due to the risk of capturing individuals, especially women, in inappropriate dress.
Another reason to keep females in the house. Without cameras there is no chance of them recording video evidence.
- Muslim prisoners should be allowed to take additional clothing to the station.
In the rare event that you do happen to get arrested, hide rolled up hundred dollar bills in the lining of your extra clothes. This will come in handy to bribe Correctional Officers to aid in your escape.
- Finally, vote democratic: specifically for people like Nancy Pelosi, "Racial and religious profiling is fundamentally un-American and we must make it illegal." [sweetness & light]
Back in May of 2003 CAIR released "A Law Enforcement Official's Guide to the Muslim Community" in an effort to stop the profiling and "unfair" treatment of Muslims by law enforcement officials.
The guide contains basic information about Muslim beliefs and practices and addresses issues like sensitivity in body searches and entering Muslim homes, given the modesty requirements of the faith. Also included is advice on outreach to the Muslim community and the workplace rights of law enforcement officials who are also Muslims.
City of London Police launch ‘Guide to Islam’, Excerpt: The guide is the first of its kind to be produced in the UK. It gives readers a practical insight into Islamic culture and customs and an understanding of the beliefs and traditions upheld by Muslims living in Britain. It is hoped that the guide will assist police officers and staff in achieving better relations with the Muslim community in London.
This is too good: Sept 24 2006 - TimesOnLine - Police to brief Muslims before terror raids, Excerpt:
London Police have agreed to consult a panel of Muslim leaders before mounting counter-terrorist raids or arrests. Members of the panel will offer their assessment of whether information police have on a suspect is too flimsy and will also consider the consequences on community relations of a raid.
Members will be security vetted and will have to promise not to reveal any intelligence they are shown. They will not have to sign the Official Secrets Act.
I think this should be carried on as well in major American cities. But why restrict it to Muslims only? Shouldn't Blacks, Hispanics, and drug dealers have the same courtesy? I think the DEA should consult a panel of Black leaders before mounting anti-drug raids or arrests. Members of the panel will offer their assessment of whether information police have on a suspect is too flimsy and will also consider the consequences on community relations of a raid. We don't want the community to feel they are being picked on.
This has been a Thursday 13 post [# 16].