The ancient Greeks dreamed of medicines so powerful they could cure all diseases and prolong life indefinitely. From this desire came Panacea, the daughter of the Greek god of medicine. "Panacea" was sought after by the alchemists as the elixir of life and even today, medical science continues to search for a "panacea" and an "elixir of life". Perhaps soon the perfect storm of advances in molecular biology, biochemistry, genetics, and immunology will bring about a true panacea.
But until we discover that cure-all we will have to deal with doctors who have not changed these thousands of years. As a public service, I have gathered from the Internet all the various translations of what doctors say and what they really mean in plain English.
This may someday save your life.
Here then are my 13 things that doctors say and what they really mean.
1)
Doctor: Let me check your medical history.
Translation: Let me see if you've paid your last bill before I spend any more time with you.
2)
Doctor: We have some good news and some bad news.
Translation: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
3)
Doctor: I'd like to prescribe a new drug.
Translation: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. or The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this crap.
4)
Doctor: Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?
Translation: Who the f* are you and why are you here?
5)
Doctor: Welllllll, what have we here…? or Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....
Translation: I'm stalling, I have no idea what that is and I’m hoping you’ll give me a clue.
6)
Doctor: Why don`t you slip out of your things.
Translation: I don`t enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow. Besides, I haven’t had a good laugh in hours.
7)
Doctor: This should fix you up.
Translation: I have no idea how it works. Probably in fourteen days or two weeks, which ever happens first, you will feel better anyway.
8)
Doctor: Let's see how it develops.
Translation: Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be treated.
9)
Doctor: I'd like to have my associate look at you.
Translation: He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
10)
Doctor: I'd like to run some more tests.
Translation: I can't figure out what the hell's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it.
11)
Doctor: This should be taken care of right away.
Translation: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
12)
Doctor: If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call.
Translation: I don’t know what it is. Maybe if we wait it will go away by itself.
13)
Doctor: Let me schedule you for some tests.
Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
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