Bavarian Men might want to rethink their annual Oktoberfest revels in light of a new study elaborated upon below. One has to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.
There's Trouble Brewing Guys
Several months ago, scientists at Europe's annual human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory states that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
1958: I was 13 years old and my mother returned from visiting her sisters in Poland with all sorts of Polish tzotchkes: hand-painted Easter eggs, Matryoshka dolls, and crystal ashtrays and vases. She also brought back Spiritus, which had 180 proof on the label. That's 90% alcohol. I saw her add it to orange juice once and so being the adventurous sort of idiot that I was, I uncorked the bottle one day and quickly downed a shot glass of it. I only remember not being able to catch my breath before I passed out on the floor. It must have been about 20 minutes later when I woke up with the most horrible case of dry-retching I ever had in my life. I wasn't drunk but I was deathly ill.
And so, I will never drink whiskey in my life. As I said, I may have one glass of wine now and then and if I do have a beer, I never have more than one, ever.
Handy Beer Quotes (get more at the link):
List of Approved Quotes
Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer. -- Al Bundy
Do not cease to drink beer, to eat, to intoxicate thyself, to make love, and to celebrate the good days. -- Ancient Egyptian Credo
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Anonymous
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants to see us happy. -- Benjamin Franklin
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -- Catherine Zandonella
SAM: What's new, Normie? NORM: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer. -- Cheers
SAM: What'll you have Normie? NORM: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap. SAM: Looks like beer, Norm. NORM: Call me Mister Lucky. -- Cheers
WOODY: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. NORM: I know. If she calls, I'm not here. -- Cheers
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -- Dave Barry
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Dean Martin
Quaintest thoughts, queerest fancies come to life and fade away. What care I how time advances; I am drinking ale today. -- Edgar Allan Poe
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Henny Youngman
Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -- Homer Simpson
No, sir: There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn. -- Samuel Johnson
I would give all my fame for a pot of ale, and safety. -- Shakespeare, King Henry V
Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. -- Socrates
Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish;Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more. -- The Bible, Proverbs, Chapter 31 verse 6 and 7
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- W. C. Fields
Whiskey and Beer are a man's worst enemies... but the man that runs away from his enemies is a coward! -- Zeca Pagodinho (Brazilian songwriter)
Ten Reasons why Beer is better than a Woman:
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball or basketball or whatever.
3. When your beer goes flat, you toss just it out.
4. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
5. A beer won't slap your face for putting it between your legs at a drive-in movie.
6. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
7. You can share a beer with your friends.
8. A frigid beer is a good beer.
9. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.
10. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.
Ten Reasons why Beer is better than a Man:
1. A good beer is easy to find.
2. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
3. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
4. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
5. A beer can't interrupt.
6. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.
7. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
8. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
9. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
10. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
Here's a decent beer joke:
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
Something and Half of Something,
Last week, Alexandria, Va.'s Rustico Restaurant and Bar started selling "beer-sicles." They come in flavors like Fudgesicle, made with a dark beer called Bell's Kalamazoo Stout; Raspbeer-y, made with St. Louis Framboise; and Plum, made with a Chapeau Mirabelle.
Here's an uplifting Beer Commercial: