I'm Jewish but in my home we decorate the place for Halloween and go out trick-or-treating with our grandchildren because it is an American Holiday and certainly not because we worship witches or hobgoblins; the pagan antecedents for All Hallow's Eve have long ago lost their significance.
In the same manner in my home we celebrate Christmas because it too has become an American Holiday. Most of the Carols we sing, the stories we tell, the decorations we hang, and the Christmas films we watch are particularly American. My two boys, ages 26 and 31, have been celebrating Christmas their entire lives without once associating the festive holiday with the name Jesus Christ.
Indeed, in my office, where all my partners are Jewish, the walls are decorated every year with Christmas wreaths and wintry ornaments. We also have set aside a day for our employees to give gifts through Secret Santa and so everyone, Jew and Gentile alike give and receive gifts. The beauty of Christianity is that its adherents do not forbid the non-Christian from celebrating its holidays or entering its most sacred of holy places.
The obvious example here is that anyone can go inside Saint Peter's Basilica in Vatican City, one of the holiest sites and the greatest of all churches in Christendom. You, my dear infidel reader, try to walk around the Kaaba in Mecca just once, see how that goes for you.
So this Christmas, in the spirit of ecumenicalism, I think we should also offer gifts to our Muslim friends, so they don't feel left out of the American experience.
Here are 13 suggestions of Islamic-compliant presents (Click on any image for larger view):
Photo by: Automotive Acne
No Muslim child should be without this learning toy from LEGO®. Caution: this toy is Halal only for little boys age 6 and up; little Muslim girls should not learn about wife-rape until after they are married, otherwise this toy may encourage female runaways. Comes with 23 wives and 6 year old Ayisha. LEGO® goats and camels are also available for areas with a shortage of marriage-age women (between 6 and 13 years old) so that little Ahmed doesn't get disappointed if he can't do it with a girl.
This is a real handy cup for pouring gunpowder into stuffed toys. The faithful Muslim will be happy to learn that the other side says, "I hate Jews"
Handcuffs for Muslim wives
Photo by: Gizmodo
A perfect gift for any Muslim man to give to his wife. She can now be monitored with these all-electronic GPS handcuffs which work similar to LoJack as a wife-recovery system. Will not work in the desert. Not legal yet in the United States. Requires 2 batteries.
Photo by: Islamicity
This Book title, considered a satire in Islamic countries which inspires laughter and much guffaws, is intended for distribution among liberals, dhimmis and other idiots living in Dar al-Harb, i.e., in non-Muslim countries, who actually believe this crap.
Incidentally, the title in Arabic translates to "Kill the Infidel, Slap your Wife, Rape your Daughter".
The American-style Barbie is considered a Jewish emissary of nudity and moral corruption and has been banned in many Islamic rat holes. From the official website of Saudi Arabia:
Pajamas Media, Muslim World's Vice Squads Hunt 'Jewish' Barbie Dolls
Jewish Barbie dolls, with their naked clothing, lewd positions, and different samples and accessories, are symbols of decadence of the perverted West. Let us recognize their danger and worry.
To counter that Zionist threat, Muslim companies have come up with Taliban Barbie. It should be noted that Taliban Barbie is anatomically correct, that is to say, her clitoris and vaginal labia have been removed with broken glass in keeping with current Muslim culture. The doll also has a small string attached to her butt that when pulled says, "I like wearing a hijab" and "I love being married to a Muslim man. Beat me! Whip me! I am unworthy!" and "I will kill myself if I am put in a toy chest with a male toy."
Taliban Barbie is approved by UNESCO and cannot be returned if damaged since she is manufactured damaged.
Islamic Alarm Clock
Photo by: kirklees unity
The perfect gift for that lazy, ignorant, unemployed son of a jackass that most Muslim parents are burdened with.
Guaranteed to work once. Will also wake up the entire neighborhood.
Live Grenade for Children
Photo by: Foreign Policy Association
This grenade is made especially for Palestinian children that will not accidentally detonate unless there are at least 4 Jews within killing distance. Comes with Mickey Mouse coloring book on how to pull the pin, how to look innocent during checkpoint searches, etc.
Ahmed Get your Gun Toy. No Muslim Child should grow up without his own assault rifle.
Mutilation with Mohammed
Photo by: The Nose on your Face
This game, faithfully recreated from an al-Qaeda Handbook on how to torture infidels will teach that impressionable young Muslim child how to "blowtorch to the skin" and the right way to "remove the eye." Comes with steel mini-meat cleavers, whips, and wire cutters. The "man suspended from the ceiling by a chain" requires adult assembly.
Photo by: YabDesign
Actually this is a gift that Muslims can buy their Jewish friends. Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg will certainly get a bang out of this lamp when they turn it on by pulling the pin. It should be noted that the Goldbergs, lifelong Liberals, have always sided with Muslims against the interests of Israel and America, so in this regard I encourage all of my Muslim readers to buy one for their Liberal Jewish friends and co-workers.
Mecca to Medina Game
Photo by: Muslim Games UK
Similar to Parker Brothers' Monopoly Game, this fun favorite can be enjoyed by Muslim and non-Muslim alike. In fact, in certain events, Muslim players will draw the buy a slave card and will be allowed to turn any infidels playing into slaves. It should be noted that white infidel slaves bring twice the price of African slaves. But it's only a game and non-Muslim players can remove the shackles (sold separately) after the game ends.
Instead of Park Place and Railroads, trade routes and Oases are purchased with Oil Moneys from stupid Americans.
Mecca to Medina, How to Play
Along the way, players will find themselves bargaining and negotiating with other players to get rare resources in the game. In addition, they will also have the option of buying specialty cards like camels and caravans while trying to avoid bad events cards, which can easily turn the tide of the game.
This Middle East toy has been a favorite since King David's time. Teaches the Muslim youngster the physics of rock hurling and the futility of rocks slung against steel tanks.
The perfect and appropriate gift for Muslim families in poverty and unable to feed all their children.
The manufacturer guarantees that there will be food for one more Muslim child after this toy is purchased. Fits all ages 4 through 19. Does not require that the child actually understand the purpose of wearing it. Can be detonated remotely without the wearer's knowledge.
In case you are wondering what's up with the broken lightbulb at the top of the post, it's there to illustrate the problem with Muslims today. Instead of simply replacing the bulb, Muslims sit in the darkness cursing Jews and infidels for not turning on the light. The backwardness of Muslims is not because of western-supported dictators that keep them in oppression, or whatever Christians did to them in the Crusades 700 years ago, or what the West did to the Ottoman Empire after WWI. If Muslims would but renounce Islam they could once again regain their former glory. Let me paraphrase a well-known quote: The fault, dear Brutes, lies not in your stars but in yourselves.
This has been a Thursday 13 post [# 43] and is updated on certain Thursdays.