When the human species lived in caves there were very few rules of etiquette. You could let loose a flaming fart, sneeze directly into your cavemate's face, pick cooties out of your hair, or even extricate a large booger from your nose and pop it into your mouth; no one would complain.

Certainly most humans in those days stank of body odor since bathing and the luxurious waste of water was not available to everyone.

Although perfumes were used thousands of years ago in Mesopotamia and Egypt, it wasn't until the Renaissance period that perfume use dramatically expanded; Royalty at the French Court used perfumes to mask body odors from infrequent bathing and pissing in public.

I was in Paris in 1967 when ads for underarm deodorants first came to be shown in local theaters [see my article Women who smell bad] and the audience response was, "Who needs such things?"

Blog writer Waiter at Waiter Rant complained that New Yorkers were rude in chastising him for smoking a cigar in public (1).

I responded:

I believe smoking in public is just like pissing in public. If you’re not splashing on anyone, then no one should bother you. However, you should at least try to hide the disgusting behavior.

While I agree you have the right to pee or smoke, you should be more discreet about it. Children and others should not see you doing it.

The last thing you should be doing is displaying to others that what you are doing is somehow OK. People should be making fun of smokers, else how are young children to be discouraged in its use?

So I say, smoke all you want, go up in flames, I don’t care; just have the decency not to let others see you doing it for the same reasons you should not shake your wanker in front of young kids: there are certain things they should not see.

Although smoking in public is just like farting or sneezing in someone's face and not illegal, certainly it is disgusting behavior. Here are 13 things one can do in public that are not illegal but are violations of Public Etiquette.

1. Cursing in Public or at someone (2).


2. Farting in an elevator, subway, medical office. Flatulence is a natural bodily function; however one should be careful where one cuts the cheese (3).


3. Nose Picking. It's actually a disease, rhinotillexomania, if compulsive. The companion to nose-picking is: Eating Boogers. It's a mystery why anyone would do this given that scientists have not found any significant nutritional content in dried nasal mucus (4).


4. Douchebags who wear their caps sideways and their pants halfway down their butt. The caption for the photo above is, "When the only item of clothing on your upper body is a levitating pink mesh cap at 52 degree tilt, you're a huge sack of existential douchebaggery."


5. Not Washing Frequently enough. Body Odor. Yes, not keeping yourself washed is offensive behavior. I recall entering a subway a few years ago and the door closing on me before I realized that a really rancid homeless man was sleeping in a corner. The odor was so bad that 28 of the passengers had huddled themselves in the far corner away from the stench. Interestingly, the passengers in the next car were laughing at our plight, as if they knew how badly the man reeked of putrid compost and manure. When the doors opened at the next stop we all escaped to the next subway car as new victims entered in our place. Then it was our turn to laugh at the poor, miserable shlubs on the other side of the glass, laughing at them as if we knew how badly it really smelled in there. Ah, it's always funny when you are on the other side.


6. Sneezing (or coughing) without covering your mouth. Now this is not only just plain rude, but a health hazard as well. A study found that one sneeze can infect up to 150 other people (5).


7. Cell phones in theaters, on buses, trains, is there anything more rude?


8. Earphones in theaters. I have witnessed this a number of times. To use the term usually applied to liberals, some retard will be listening to an iPod or other music player while he or she is watching a movie. I don't get it. Normally, I wouldn't care except the volume is usually so high that I can hear the buzzing five rows away. It seems that the audio from the movie interferes with this moron's listening pleasure so the volume on the earphone speakers is turned up to compensate. In addition to banning cellphone use, this is another rude behavior theater owners should prohibit.


9. Women (and men) who wear Too Much Perfume. I get punched in the nose with this crime all the time. At lines at banks, or in theaters, or even at the deli counter, some broad (and I dislike using this derogatory term for woman) has immersed herself in a cloying wrapping of stink, all the while thinking to herself how lovely she smells. I usually wave my hand in front of my nose so as to signal to this person that what is emanating from her person is not pleasant or enjoyable. See my article on The Correct Way to Apply Perfume.


10. Talking Loudly in movie theaters, in retail shops, on the street. You know who they are.


11. Slow People. People who take forever to order food at a fast food joint. Or to pay for their order quickly. Or who do not bag their groceries but instead wait for the cashier to do it after ringing up the groceries. Or pedestrians who start walking when the Stop Walking Sign is flashing and then walking ever so slowly just to infuriate those waiting in cars.


12. Litterbugs. You know who they are.


13. Smokers. It's a disgusting habit that envelopes everyone else around. It should be done in private for the same reasons that we pee in private.