13 Things You Should Not Do to Your Child

Parenting Advice: do not let your children play with knives
Photo Credit: Cassandra Parkin

I used to raise mice. Thousands of mice. It happened rather simply; it was my younger son's 11th birthday and my wife and I were at a pet store when he spied three little mice in a cage and begged us to buy them. We brought them home only to discover a week later that one of them was pregnant. In order to prevent the other mice from eating her young, I transferred the soon-to-be-mother into a separate cage to minimize disruptions. Within a few weeks 8 pink, tiny, hairless little baby mice emerged. Every two months after that, those babies would have babies of their own.

Within a year, I had dozens and dozens of cages and almost a thousand mice. At the end of two years there were more than 50 babies a day being born. A local pet store took my surplusage in exchange for seeds to feed my mice. In a protected environment as I provided, it didn't take long to have too many mice; in the wild mice need to reproduce many young and as often as possible.

At one time, mankind needed to be fruitful and to multiply. But with the aid of modern medicine and technology aside from ourselves we have no predator that requires us to reproduce like mice. Being civilized requires us to have just enough babies to maintain the species and no more. Having 54 children as Bin Laden's father did, is not only morally wrong, but should be punished as a criminal act. The world does not need ten children per couple. Sadly if idiots continue to have many children while smart people have fewer then the plot to Idiocracy may indeed be fulfilled.

With fewer children you can raise human beings who are caring, kind, gentle souls who respect human life and who can contribute to civilization instead of exploiting it. So here is a list of 13 things you should not do to your child.

  1. Do not bottle feed. Unless you have infectious tuberculosis, HIV, or a similar disease that may be passed to your child or some sensitivity problem with your nipples, you should breast feed. Aside from the health benefits, there is the special bonding that only, and I stress only, comes from breastfeeding your child. See my article 13 Reasons to Breastfeed.
  2. Do not take away a child's binkie. He or she will stop using it when the time is right. When is the time right? When they stop of their own accord. See my article Let your kids have the Pacifier.
  3. Do not force your child to have a haircut if it involves tantrum-level crying. See my article My Toddler Gets Hysterical When He Has His Hair Cut. What Can I Do?
  4. Do not spank your child. No excuses. The evidence is that spanking does not work, but rather makes your children more violent when they grow up. See my article Young Children Should never be spanked.
  5. Do not call your child a stupid idiot. Reserve that epithet if he grows up to be a Liberal. See my article Liberals Are Just Like Muslims.
  6. Do not let your child sleep in a bassinet. Your child belongs in your bed, with you. No human would be stupid enough to keep puppies separated from their mother, why do we do it to our own babies? A child is 50 to 60 times more likely to die in a crib than in a bed with its parents; see my article Because that is how my parents did it.
  7. Do not let your baby cry forever. If it is not wet, hot, thirsty or hungry give your child the god-damn binkie; see #2 above. Letting your child cry on and on does not teach it any lesson; see my article How Not to Teach Your Child to Speak.
  8. Do not leave your child in Day Care, if you can help it. What's wrong with your grandparents or other relatives?
  9. Do not feed your children a vegetarian diet. It is criminally unhealthy. See my article Domestic Goddess Nigella Lawson and Looking Good.
  10. Do not give your child an offensive name that will result in him being bullied, for example, Adolf Hitler; or give him a name that will embarrass him, for example do not name him Dick if your last name is Licker; or give her an ebonic and idiotic name such as Latrina which for most children will place an extra burden on them in terms of employment and success. See my article Call Me Bob.
  11. Do not buy your child a big dog. Thousands of children are maimed annually by their family pet. See my article If a dog kills your child- it`s your fault.
  12. Do not overuse the word 'NO.' If you say "No" to your child more than once a week or so then you have too much unnecessary junk in your home. See my article Saying NO to Your Children.
  13. Do not keep waking your child during the day just so you can get some sleep. Let your child sleep. See my article Does My Toddler Have A Sleep Problem?

I left out instructions such as "Don't let your children play with knives" and "Don't let your children marry Muslims" because they are so obviously dangerous that who doesn't know that?

This has been a Thursday 13 post [# 99] and is updated on some Thursdays.

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