A Collection of Muslim Jokes
The Chupacabra ("goat sucker")
I receive a few hundred emails a week; some suggest topics for articles, some offer Muslim jokes, some criticize my articles, some deplore my lack of decency, some praise my articles, some extoll my sense of decency. Here are some Muslim jokes from a few of those emails along with a few of my own:
But first, a few words of warning: these jokes are offensive to Muslims; however that is not saying much since there is no story, no joke, no scientific fact that will not offend some Muslims, somewhere. Even a collection of random letters will offend some Muslims. For example, if you take the word "Muslim" and you rearrange and add a couple of letters you get: "F*ck off you rag-headed, sandal-wearing, flea-infested camel-humper."
You were warned. Now enjoy the following.
A Jesus and Mohammed Story
Jesus passed Mohammed a cigarette. Mohammed took a deep drag, then sighed with pleasure. Expensive fags were the best. Sheer paradise. And Jesus was one tight dude.
Jesus was sitting in a cloud of blue smoke. Golden light was shining behind his head, in a halo. Then the lights went out.
Another long night in the California prison system.
I thought it would be a good gesture for my new Muslim neighbor to feel at home on our street.
So I laid down some landmines between our houses.
Q: Did you hear about the Muslim that used antiperspirant?
A: Neither did I.
Q: Why did Obama say he won't ever release the pictures of a dead Osama Bin Laden to the public?
A: He doesn't want to offend half the UK.
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Cancel my allowance, Trash my bedroom, Throw all my clothes out the window, Take my front door and car keys away and kick me out of the house."
Well she didn't actually put it like that, what she said was, "Daddy, say hello to Ahmed."
What is the greatest threat to Muslim culture? The goat-eating chupacabra (1).
A Muslim family were looking for an old-age home for their grandfather Abdullah but since all the Muslim facilities were completely full, they had to put him in an Australian home.
After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.
''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,'' says grandpa.
''We're so happy for you. We were worried that an infidel facility was the wrong place for you, you know, since you are a little different from everyone else.''
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,'' Abdullah says with a big smile.
''There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
"There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!
"And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F*cking Arab'!"
Americanized Pakistanis:
Two families move from Pakistan to America.
When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a year's time, which family has become more Americanized.
A year later they meet again.
The first man says, "My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds, and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"
The second man replies, "F**k you, towelhead."
ENDNOTES
(1):
The Skeptic's Dictionary, chupacabra
The chupacabra ("goat sucker") is an animal said to be unknown to science and systemically killing animals in places like Puerto Rico, Miami, Nicaragua, Chile, and Mexico. The creature's name originated with the discovery of some dead goats in Puerto Rico with puncture wounds in their necks and their blood allegedly drained. According to UFO Magazine (March/April 1996) there have been more than 2,000 reported cases of animal mutilations in Puerto Rico attributed to the chupacabra.
