Devout Muslims Cannot Tell Jokes

every time you eat bacon a Muslim fairy dies
Photo Credit: Lockhart Tactical

Try to find "Rules of Joking in Christianity" and, except for the admonition not to joke in church, you will come up empty handed. Now go and google "Rules of Joking in Islam" and you will find no shortage of rules about joking among Muslims. After no small amount of time spent researching the topic, I have been able to distill the one, single, prime and sacred rule that all good Imams dispense to their faithful: DON'T JOKE!

Amazon Books, The Spirit of Allah: Khomeini and the Islamic Revolution - by Amir Taheri

Page 259:

Allah did not create man so that he could have fun. The aim of creation was for mankind to be put to the test through hardship and prayer. An Islamic regime must be serious in every field. There are no jokes in Islam. There is no humor in Islam. There is no fun in Islam. There can be no fun and joy in whatever is serious. Islam does not allow swimming in the sea and is opposed to radio and television serials.

Some of my Muslim readers will object that this is not true - that they have heard Muslim jokes. However what Muslims call Muslim jokes are rather silly affairs - here is a typical Muslim joke from an Islamic website:, Some Humorous Talk of the Prophet

Hasan radiallahu 'anhu said: That a certain old woman came to the Prophet and requested him to pray to Allah to make her enter Paradise. The Prophet said, "O mother of so and so! No old woman shall enter into paradise." The narrator says that on hearing this the old woman went back weeping. The Prophet said to the people around him to go and tell the old woman that she would not enter into Paradise as an old woman. [At-Tirmidhi] Then he recited the verse: "Verily we! We have created those (maidens) by a creation and have made them virgins, loving, of equal age." [Al-Qur'an 56:35-37]

Get the joke? Mohammed tells an old woman that no old woman will ever enter paradise, but after she cried in disappointment, our esteemed prophet had his minions laughingly tell her that she will indeed enter paradise after all, but not as an old woman but as a young virgin - hahaha! She will be continually punctured for eternity, her virginity constantly and forever torn after a brutal assault by some suicide-bomber as a reward for his earthly deeds. Now that's a joke on her.

I think I have better Muslim jokes, but obviously they're going to be offensive to Muslims:

Mahmud: Bernie of Planck's Constant wrote that Muslims treated their Black slaves savagely worse than any Simon Legree and that Arab Muslims will never treat their fellow Black Muslims as friends.

Ahmed: Bernie is wrong - I used to have many black friends - until my dad sold them.

Q: What did God say when he made the first Muslim?
A: Oops!

Q: Why haven't any Egyptian Muslims died from West Nile virus?
A: Mosquitoes don't land on crap, only flies do!

Q: What would you call the Flintstones if they were Muslims?
A: Advanced Muslims.

Here's a typical Afghan recruitment slogan: Be Allah you can be!

Q: What's the difference between an American girl and a Muslim girl?
A: American girls get stoned before they commit adultery.

Q: What do you call a Muslim having sex with a non-Muslim girl?
A: Rape!

Q: How do you get a homosexual out of a tree in Iran?
A: Cut the noose.

Q: How long does it take a Muslim to take a dump?
A: 9 months.

Q: How does a Muslim father keep his daughter from going out?
A: He pours more gas on her.

Q: What do you call a field full of Muslims?
A: A shooting range.

Q: What do a slinky and a Muslim have in common?
A: Both are useless but fun as hell to watch falling down the stairs.

Q: What would you do if you had enough money to send half the Muslims back to the Middle East?
A: Send all of them back half way.

You can find more than a 1001 Muslim Jokes here.

### End of my article ###

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