Free Funny and Offensive Muslim Jokes

I cut my hair and he didn't even notice

That's right, my readers do not have to pay anything to read offensive Muslim jokes. However someone will eventually pay because even though jokes Do Not Kill People - Muslims Offended by Jokes Do Kill People. It should be mentioned that all Muslim jokes whether funny or not are offensive to Muslims. So to save lives, I ask Muslims who visit this page to stop reading right now and go back to whatever you were doing, unless of course that whatever you were doing before you got here was constructing bombs, planning mass murder attacks, or raping some poor girls at a New Year's Eve party.

Before we start with the humor allow me to observe that a woman converting to Islam is like a black person converting to slavery. Sadly that's not funny, it's just plain true. Now for the jokes:

Q: Most Muslim countries allow men to marry young girls. How does a Muslim tell when his future bride is way too young for marriage?
A: When he has to make the airplane noise just to get his penis in her mouth.

Q: How come toothbrush boxes never come with instructions in Arabic?
A: Whoever heard of a Muslim who brushes his teeth?

Q: How do you know when your staying in a Muslim hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

A new law recently passed in Saudi Arabia: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister

There was a Christian, a Jew and a Muslim on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

  1. to be shot

  2. to be hung

  3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the Christian said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).

Then the Jew said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Muslim said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the injection, and the Muslim fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Muslim said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?" The Muslim replied, "You infidels are so stupid...I'm wearing a condom!"

Q: What do you call a lesbian Muslim?
A: A f*cking godsend. At least she won't give birth to another dirty, stinking, sweaty, ignorant, robbing, pajama-wearing, bomb-making, AK47-wielding, murdering, democracy-hating, welfare -cheating, lazy, horrible, good-for-nothing terrorist.

This is a future-history joke that takes place sometime in January 2017:

Three Buttons and Donald Trump

Shortly after his inauguration as 45th President of the United States Donald Trump announces that he is going to re-negotiate Obama's horrible deal with Iran. So he goes to a meeting in Tehran with Hassan Rouhani, the President of Iran.

They were in a room sitting in two chairs and it was only the two of them. As they start talking Trump notices three buttons on Rouhani's chair. So they go on talking and Rouhani pushes the first button and a bottle comes down and hits the Donald on his head. Trump gets a little mad but goes on with the negotiation.

A bit later Rouhani pushes the second button and a shoe comes out and kicks Trump in the shin. Trump is beginning to get steamed but nonetheless goes on.

Five minutes more and the third button is pushed - another boot comes out and kicks Trump in the nuts. Now Trump gets really mad and says, "I'm going back to America, we will settle this in two weeks in America."

Two weeks go by and President Trump and Rouhani meet in the Oval Office in the White House. Rouhani notices 3 little buttons on Trump's chair. He gets prepared. Minutes go by and they aren't really getting anywhere with their negotiation. Trump pushes the first button. Rouhani ducks but nothing happens.

They go on and Trump pushes the second button. Rouhani jumps again but nothing happens. He gets a bit scared but continues with the talks.

Finally Trump pushes the third button and Rouhani jumps once more. But again nothing happens. The strain on Rouhani is too much and so he says, "I'm going back to Iran."

Trump laughs and scratches his head, "Iran? What Iran?"

Q: What's the difference between Christmas and terrorist attacks?
A: They don't celebrate Christmas in Muslim countries.

Q: What's the difference between a Muslim woman and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells really bad. The other one's a fish.

Q: Why does a Muslim father always walk his son to grammar school?
A: Because both his wife and his son are in the same grade.

Q: How can you tell if you are a Muslim?
A: You have at least two brothers named Mohammed.

### End of my article ###

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