The Difference Between Liberals and Conservatives

Most Internet emails I get are hoaxes, but here is one that happens to be true and accurate:

Division of the human family into two distinct groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer or to bring the beer to man. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

  1. Liberals

  2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

sushi mania
Photo Credit: Sushi-Mania
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Now liberals may rant and rave and call me names for spreading hate and divisiveness, but what they will never, ever do is dispute the underlying truth of the argument. No self-loathing liberal will ever say, "Hey you got us all wrong, we don't want to take from those who produce and share it with lazy idiots who refuse to work," because they do not see anything wrong with taking from those who create wealth and giving it to parasites. What they object to is that we complain when they rob us at the point of a gun. They are insulted that we are not happy, willing shmoos. The highest compliment a liberal idiot can bestow upon a free man of independent will is to call him a fascist, a word of whose accurate definition they have absolutely no clue. Here's what they think it means: anyone to the right of Karl Marx.

The Biggest difference between the two groups can be seen in how they celebrate Christmas, see Woman Honor Thyself: Happy Chrisnakah?..or is it Chanamas, Excerpt: What is it about all the beauty of the season that some people just can’t stomach eh.

### End of my article ###

Bloggers: For non-commercial use you may repost this article without asking permission - read how.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

View My Stats
qr code