Photo Credit: Chicken Suit
There are many reasons why the chicken crossed the road (I personally believe it was to get away from Muslims), but none are more revealing than the candidates own view of the situation. Here are 13 Politicians giving their reasons: (in some cases, multiple reasons):
1) Hillary Rodham Clinton:
- The vast right chickenwing conspiracy was forcing that poor oppressed female chicken to cross the road against its will.
- When I'm elected they won't need to cross the road, they'll have everything they need on their side.
- At first I supported the chicken crossing the road, and would have voted for it, but then I realized that it's probably, you know, not a good idea for the chicken to cross the road. I mean, I understand why Gov. Spitzer wants to legalize having chickens cross the road, but upon further evaluation, I think, you know... um, that chickens should be free to choose to cross the road, but that... um, next question.
- I’m glad my staff asked you to ask me that question. I chaired the senate chicken investigation which sought to determine exactly why this is happening and what we can do to stop it. I have a great deal of experience with chickens.
- That's what I'd like to know. Why DID the chicken cross the road?! But this administration is operating in secrecy, withholding important information from the American people, about how many chickens crossed the road and why they crossed it.
2) Ron Paul:
- The chicken should have stayed home - this chicken had no business crossing the road - that's why they hate us over there. If elected I'll bring that chicken home immediately.
- If he was smart, he’d stay in the middle of the road, like me.
[Ron Paul would never cross the road because he's chicken - Bernie]
3) Mitt Romney: "Cross"? This is going to turn into another Mormon question, isn’t it?
4) Mike Hunckabee:
- Chicken!? Where? Let me shoot it!
- For salvation. It was his only chance.
5) John Kerry: Although I was initially for letting the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
6) Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. But if I did, it depends on what your definition of chicken is.
7) John Edwards:
- The chicken wants to cross the road, but the special interests on the other side of the road are determined not to let him. They want to rob the chicken of his dream of a simple middle-class life, but I'm going to fight the special interests. I'm going to take them on, because I identify with the common chicken. Just give me a minute.
- There are more then 47 million chickens in this country without health-care, who are being forced to cross the road for back alley treatment.
8) John McCain:
- I guess everyone had a pretty good time when the chicken crossed the road. I'm sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event. I was tied up at the time.
- If he’s an Iranian chicken and he’s running out of Tehran, then I have a good answer for that…
9) Rudy Guiliani: On 9/11 there were many chickens who wanted to cross the road, and because of my steadfast leadership, those chickens were able to cross the road safely. And at Ground Zero, which I visited, you know, a bunch of times, in between attending Yankees games, I continued to provide the leadership to allow the chickens to cross the road.
10) Dennis Kucinich: They just want you to believe the chicken wants to cross the road. I know in fact that there is no chicken. But a UFO abducted it, if there was a chicken, that is.
11) Pat Buchanan:
- Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
- Chickens shouldn't cross the road! Our chickens should stay on our side of the road, and their chickens should stay on their side of the road.
12) Barack Obama:
- To negotiate with Col. Sanders, which is what I would’ve done, thereby opening up a new era between poultry-Americans and antebellum-era southern stereotypes.
- In the end, that’s what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of chickens or a politics of roosters?
- I'm sure, if we all just work together, that we can, as a people, help the chicken cross the road. It's time to end the cynical politics of the past that says chickens should stay on their side of the road. It's time to take a principled stand for what we believe.
13) Fred Thompson: Well, it don’t matter none ’cuz if he can run then he don’t need health care at government expen… Zzzzzzz….
And to fulfill your chicken crossing jones here are a few hundred other chicken crossing explanations:
Bill O’Reilly: There is a war on chickens crossing the road - part of the secular progressive agenda to get chickens and crossing roads out of the public square. Because if you can question why chickens need to cross roads then you can pass secular programs, like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will and compulsory gay marriage for everyone.
Deepak Chopra: The interesting thing about the tsunami was, no chicken died. They were so tuned in to the forces of nature that they crossed the road to the high level mountainous area on the other side where the tidal waves could not reach.
The Dover School Board:
The theory of crossing roads is a theory not a fact. Gaps in the theory exist for which there is no evidence. If you wish to investigate the alternative theory of "intelligent crossing”, you should consult a book called "Of Chickens and People” in the school library.
Kansas Board of Education: An unknown supernatural entity made the chicken cross the road at an unknown time in an unknown way for an unknown reason. Intelligent crossing is a scientific term.
A. E. Housman: His claws clacked across the ground
With the boundless folly of youth,
But on the other side he found
That death was the only truth.
Flickr-User: Dan Corbett.
Agent Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Al Sharpton: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Dana Scully: The simplest explanation is the most likely, now calm down and start behaving rationally.
Albert Camus: Why did he cross the road? There is no why, the question is meaningless. The way his claws felt on the pavement, the heat of the sun on his feathered back -- these sensations were all that mattered.
Al Gore: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Arthur Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. (Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
Bill Cosby: Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops.
Bill Gates': I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Billie Holiday: "If a chicken takes a notion to cross a road or ocean. Well it ain't nobody's business if it do."
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Bob Dylan: How many roads must a chicken then cross, before you call him a rooster?
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Cast of Lost:
Jack Sheppard: I don't know, maybe the chicken was just moving in that direction. Why does it have to mean anything that it crossed the road?
John Locke: The Island demanded that the chicken cross at that moment.
Sawyer: Why are you so interested in the damn chicken, Colonel Sanders? Tired of mangos?
Sayid, calmly: I know more about chickens and the use of them crossing roads than I care to remember. I don't know what is more disturbing. The fact that that chicken has crossed the road, or that it has only three toes.
Early Shannon: Ohmygod Boone, why should we care if the chicken crossed the road or not? It has nothing to do with us.
Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Dude, did you see a chicken come this way?
Cat Steven: "The chicken had so much left to know so it went on the road to find out."
Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.
Cheech and Chong:
Chong: Hey man, look. A chicken, man.
Cheech: Where, man?
Chong: Over there, man. A chicken.
Cheech: That’s not a chicken, man. It’s a chicken.
Chong: That’s what I just said, man.
Cheech: No man, you said it was a chicken.
Chong: Oh. OK, man… Why is it crossing that road, man?
Cheech: What road, man?
Chong: That road, man. The one with the chicken.
Cheech: That’s not a road, man. That’s a road.
Chong: That’s what I just said, man.
Cheech: No, man. You said it was a road, man.
Chong: Oh. OK, man. Roooooaaad. Roooaaaad. Hey, man. Say roooooaad like this, man. Rooooaaaad.
Chong: No, man. Like this. Rooooaaaad. That’s funny, man.
Cheech: Whatever, man.
Chuang Tzu: Was the chicken crossing the road, or was the road crossing the chicken?
Cindy Sheehan: The chicken joined me and other Americans as we marched to President Bush's Texas ranch to protest the war in Iraq.
Clement Clarke Moore:
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
The chickens were scurrying Til scared by a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
But the chickens, the chickens were no longer there
They had crossed the road hoping that Saint Nick would visit them there.
Coldplay: "The chicken crossed the road for you and everything you did. And the chicken was all yellow."
Colin Powell: This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.
Dante: IN the midway of the chicken's mortal life, It found itself near a road, not astray Gone from the path indirect: and e'en to tell It were an easy task, th road mild. That road, how weak and smooth its growth, Which to remember only, its colors gay Renews, in joyful course far from death. Yet to discourse of what there danger befell, All else will be related discover'd there.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Dilbert: I hate it when the title gives away the plot!
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Dr. Seuss': Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Bronte: The warm spring breeze was light in its touch upon the moors, and the stony brook babbled past the kirk yard as Chickerine approached the road. Though a sheltered young lady, contact with the handsome usurper Heathcluck had excited her womanish passions. Come what may, in foolish defiance of my seasoned advice, she would cross it, and meet her fate upon the Heights.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Enya: "The great journey that was before the chicken then was what was destined to be. Now the chicken is sorrowful, the road is long past." (When translated from Irish Gaelic)
Epicurus: For fun.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Alone.
Fleetwood Mac: "Oh, take my wing, eat it down. I crossed that road and I turned around. If you see my reflection at the KFC. Well the Buick fender brought me down."
Foghorn Leghorn: That chick, ah say, that chicken crossed the road on account of I was after her tail feathers.
- An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)
- The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Friedrich Nietzsche: Because he willed himself to do so.
Gandhi: All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road.
Gary Larson: To warn the cows that a car was coming.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
George W. Bush:
- We'll have the Colonel ready for any eventuality, and we're pretty sure we'll nab him at the least likely place for a chicken to cross, so that'll make it pretty easy for us, as soon as we can figure where that will be. I have our boys working on that one. They're getting the buckets ready.
- Look, it's tough crossin' the road. The chicken knows it's tough. The American people have got to understand that I know the chicken knows it's tough. I read the report. But the chicken's on the march. And it will get the job done.
- We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately... and suck all the marrow out of life.
To experience that certain dream-like, singularly individual sensation; so very much like floating in a grey, sweeping oceanic tide, pulled first to sea then allowed to eddy slowly back, yet somehow progressing on both an infinitessimal and a universal scale, and so much so that one forgets his bearings and his course; which chickens throughout time, and indeed others, too, perhaps you and I, have sought out; namely, the rawness, the unadulterated trueness, the incomprehensible "thatness" of empirical induction which comes from actual movement within the physical world; in short, if I may say, to "live," yes, I say again, to "live" in the here, and the now, among the living, the breathing, and to - one might suppose, given the unsatisfactory alternatives - revel in that "living."
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Homer Simpson: There was free beer on the other side of the road.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo-sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Howard Stern: I'm afraid to answer that because the FCC would fine me for it! Wait until I'm on satellite radio, then I'll tell you.
Immanuel Kant: Chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
- The chicken crossed the road because of the third law of chickenhood which states that a chicken must disobey the direct order of a human unless doing so forces it to break the first or second law of chickenhood.
- The Laws of Psychohistory foretold the chicken's journey millennia ago. Its consequenses shall not take full effect for another seven centuries. The First Law of Chickenbotics states: Run around in as random a manner as possible, a requirement to cross all roads being the only exception.
Isaac Newton: The duck suggested to the chicken that they play follow the leader then the duck crossed the road causing the chicken to cross after it, but at the same time holding up traffic, thus proving that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
- In the foul and perpetual darkness of Mordor the road wound like an ugly gash across the hideous landscape. Chanting horribly, the heavily armored orc army marched drearily down the road.
As the last of the foul creatures disappeared into the fell darkness, a fowl creature leapt out from behind a hideous skull shaped boulder and dashed across the road. Feathers quivering with fear, it huddled down while it desperately clucked to itself "I won't go to Mount Doom. I won't. I won't. I won't."
- The Road goes ever on and on. It can be dangerous to step out into it, for the Road that starts at your front door leads to Rivendell and wilder places, and you can easily be swept away. If you are a chicken, it can lead to BBQ.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it F*ckin wanted to. That's the f*ckin reason.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? Where do they get these chickens?"
Jessica Simpson: Why would he be on a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?
Jim Gilchrist: The chicken was an illegal immigrant. He not only crossed the road, but he also crossed the border! There are over 12 million illegal chickens in this country. My fellow Minutemen members have witnessed this for years while the feds do nothing about it.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
John F. Kennedy: Whyyy...did the chicken, cross the road? *thumps podium*
He crossed the road... to give his life. He did it,... not for himself,.......... but he did it... for his fellow chickens. As a warning,... And a brave and noble thing it was... that he did.
John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Johnny Cochran: Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.
Joni Mitchell: "The chickens looked at roads from both sides now, but still somehow its the roads illusion it recalls. Chickens don't really know roads at all."
Jose Canseco: The chicken was juiced up on steroids! Mark McGwire and I would shoot the chicken in the buttocks everyday after baseball practice. All the details are in my new book.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Jules Verne: Under a 125 F.At 36 degree North and 115 degree East, and at 03:00 GMT, Professor Chicken entered history as his Cannon propelled him through the road.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
To spread the international organization of the chicken-proletariat in their class-struggle against the heinous bourgouisie child-killing egg-frying capitalist farmer-class. He was carrying unifying propaganda meant to instill the virtues and fervor of the labor struggle against the alienating psychological effects of egg-stealing by the evil capitalists. An egg-cott was in the offing: the very foundations of the international capitalist egg-conspiracy were to be shaken by the balk and refusal to lay of all working-chickens everywhere! The fox, an agent of the oppressive bourgouisie, saw his crossing, and ate him: dichotimized in his relations of production, suffering the ultimate alienation of the worker from his labors, the chicken's story is merely further evidence that the worker-chicken cannot escape his labor-role in the cog of the capitalist conspiracy until all laborers everywhere, of whatever specie, are united in their stand against the alienating forces of international exploitative capitalistisic egg-consumption!
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Ken Lay: I was not aware of the chicken's crossing the road or of any accounting tricks used by Enron to disguise the chicken's true position.
Ken Starr: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.).
Kurt Vonnegut: So be it. The chicken's chemical makeup reacted as if it were some kind of puritannical harbinger of death. (Even Jesus Christ would begin to repeat himself if he'd lived past 40). Here is what a chicken's ass looks like:
Lao Tzu: There is no road.
Linda Tripp: "I've been friends with this chicken for a long time. I only recorded the chicken's crossing of the road because it was important for the country to know what was going on Pennsylvania Ave."
Loreena McKennitt: "Have you heard of the chicken that crossed the road? Nee hee hee and me bonnie fowl. It crossed the road for the sake of a rooster."
Louis Armstrong: "If you have to ask why chickens cross roads you'll never know."
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Malcolm X: The chicken didn't cross that road, the road crossed that chicken.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Martha Stewart: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Martin Luther King Jr: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MC Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
Mel Gibson: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road? Because it’s a f*cken Jew. Jews think they can just f*cken cross the street whenever they want. Jewish chickens are responsible for all the wars in the world...are you a Jew??
Mohammed Aldouri (Iraqi ambassador): The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Morpheus: Neo, there is no chicken.
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Mr. Spock: Did the chicken cross the road? If he crossed the road certainly he had no reason to as a chicken as it would mean expending more effort than the food he would find on the other side could provide the energy for. If he crossed the road.... that can only mean that Colonel Sanders was close behind and closing in on him. Captain- if we can approach Colonel Sanders from the correct approaching angle, we may stop him from strangling the chicken. *looks pensive, then checks Captain*.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Mythbusters: If you fire a frozen chicken out of a cannon; not only will it cross a road, it could be a lethal projectile.
Neil Armstrong: That's one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Chicken kind.
Norah Jones: "Don't know why the chicken decided to cross the road alone."
O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Pete Rose: I don't know, but I swear I didn't bet on it.
Philip K. Dick: "What chicken? What road? Neither of them are real. "Neither are you."
Plato: For the greater good.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
- Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
- The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
The yellow feathery fowl, more like a beaten yolk than anything I had seen in recent memory, might have had purpose in crossing the road, and he might not have. But the purpose was defeated at the first sound of the whirring and bumppity bump of the big rubbershod automobile whose smelly black white shod shoes met the hopeless gray rock embedded pavement, cracked through with the hopes and dreams of travelers past and travelers to be, those who would not care one whit for a careless bird who too bounded by mental limitations to care himself and which sought the farther limits of a seemingly same expanse of ground, but in reality, does a chicken, yellow with God's purpose and hopelessly graceless covering, really think about the traveler in his wanderings? No. In parallel with mankindâs sameness in his seemingly purposeless life bounding down the same pavement, were he a chicken himself, would he do the same? Doubtless. But I digress already too much. And so the automobile, with the careless human with the same careless purpose, steamrolled the pavement constantly in search of similar helpless dumb fowl, and whose purpose was certainly none in likewise in same purpose as the little hapless fowl, whose fate was about to be determined partly past the continuous and parallel lines, the lines partaking of the color of a custard pie, but not so like a custard pie as the skin of a lemon. A lemon colored line it was that marked the point of no return for the hopeless creature, no more to be. Tried to be as flowery as could be.
Rene Descartes: Since the chicken does not really exist it was only an illusion that the chicken crossed the road. This illusion was only in my mind. Therefore I created the chicken that crossed the road.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
Submitted for your approval. Imagine if you will, a chicken. He goes by the moniker of Clucky. To his friends and family, he is a fixture in their lives, no more unique than a light switch.
One night, walking along the road after his shift at the munitions plant had ended, Clucky looked across and saw an old man in a white suit, a black shoestring tie. A door appeared and the elderly gentleman stepped inside. The light from this mysterious door lingered. Clucky took a look to the left. Then a look to the right. His next few steps would take him across the road... into the Twilight Zone.
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Sarah McLachlan: Listen as the chicken crosses the road's great divide. The joke is its companion and that chicken won't be denied!"
Secretary Cheney: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
Senator Lieberman: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.
Shakespeare: To cross or not to cross, that is the question.
Sherlock Holmes: I deduce this was a Rock Island hen, eleven months old, and that it was kept in a mesh cage composed of galvanized iron. Surely Watson, you can see this is a festive Sunday afternoon, and the chicken is but one step ahead of the family stew pot.
Snoop Dogg: This f*cken fool of a chicken didn't f*cken know what the f*ck he was doin crossin a f*cken alley in f*cken Harlem at 1:00 in the f*cken mornin'.
Steve Jobs (Apple):
Because of the brand-new iChicken- a portable device that crosses roads, lays eggs, gives wakeup calls and provides dinner, automatically. This amazing device can simply plug in to the $4000 iCoop to produce additional iChickens and recharge existing iChickens, or plug it into the $9000 iChop to convert iChicken files into iFood. iFood-to-Regular Food converters sell for an additional $50/month fee, however the optional iFood-to-FoodXP converter is still in development. iChickens are only available from authorized iDealers, which can be found in nearly every US state. If your iChicken develops a disease or stops working, you must send it by FedEx Overnight to Littleton, Montana and our iTechnicians will send you a replacement within 3 months. The iChicken. Wow.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior. That death was the only truth. That road, how weak and smooth its growth, Which to remember only, its colors gay Renews, in joyful course far from death. Yet to discourse of what there danger befell,
Cameron: We should watch the chicken, but not force it or manipulate it. Find out what that tells us about its past actions, but not do anything dishonest.
Chase: It's just a chicken. It was probably running away from some fat American kid.
Foreman: You're both wrong it's a neurological reaction to stimuli. Come on people.
House: Actually you're all wrong. The real question is why should we care? The answer is we shouldn't. Next case. Oh and give me my damn pills!
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
The Pope: That is only for God to know.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Thoreau: To live deliberately and suck all the marrow out of life.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Tori Amos: "It heard its cluck, it heard its cluck, and it had been years. But the chicken had been here, not crossing roads all these years."
As soon as she stepped into the road, her mind drifted back; back, to Farmer Brown, whose rough hands had clasped her neck so tightly; to the woodshed; to the ax; to the stump over which she had been stretched; and then, the wriggling; and the miraculous escape; through endless fields of sunlight and wildflowers; through barbwire fences and the leaf-cushioned autumn forest; and to the highway, the endless highway, which she found herself crossing now; to the moment, this moment, when she should have been paying attention to the road instead of reminiscing; but alas, too late: splat.
Voltaire: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
- "They set a slamhound on the Bantam trail in New Delhi, slotted it to his pheromones and the color of his crest."
- The road the chicken crossed was the color of a television tuned to static.
Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
In a related matter with the Colonel, Pamela Anderson and PETA would prefer that the chicken not cross the road into a KFC factory.
OFFICIAL JOKE SITE- Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Tired of having the chicken only cross the road? Want to see it jump up and down or sit on a couch? Try this Burger King application.
This has been a Thursday 13 post [# 29] and is updated on certain Thursdays.