One of the reasons, not the main reason, but one of the reasons we have so many fat children in America today, is that we have stopped making fun of fat kids. When I was younger we always made fun of lard-asses and the overly obese. The taunting made us concerned about our weight. Today there are no hobbles on the eating habits of children. When everyone made fun of you, then you knew it was the truth.
In a like manner, when everyone insults Muslims, they hopefully will get the message that the reason they are picked on is because everyone else sees them as they truly are. And just as vicious taunting helped steer children away from overeating, hopefully vicious and offensive Muslim jokes will steer morons and idiots who do not know any better from converting to Islam.
So it's time again for even more egregiously insulting Islamic humor. Now please don't get me wrong, I feel pity for Muslims; after all, if I had to suppress my sexual urges like they do, I'd probably explode too (that would not be funny if you substituted Methodist for Muslim). Now if you are easily offended, Muslim or not, please do not continue - there is no point in getting yourself upset. This is no different than those who are upset with female nudity simply switching to another channel. Don't like what I write? - go somewhere else - perhaps a liberal website where you can read that Islam is a religion of peace, that Islam is not a threat to the civilized world, that Muslims are a tolerant people; that is, a place where you can stroke each other with lies.
Although the following are totally tasteless, truly offensive, absolutely racist and bigoted, I like to think that they have a penny of truth about those whom we are poking fun at. By the way, with a little work some of these jokes (as well as any jokes about other races and ethnic groups) can apply to other groups of people, not just Muslims. Take for example, my post Muslim Humor - Muslim Jokes wherein I assembled a few Muslim jokes collected from the Internet as well as contributing a few original ones of my own. Someone changed 'Muslim' to 'rednecks' and with minor changes listed the jokes in the forum Fun In B.C. (1).
The reason the writer felt these jokes could be applied to rednecks as well as to Muslims is that both groups exhibit some backwardness in relation to the rest of American society.
My collections of jokes have filled a need on the Internet since before I came along there were very few Muslim jokes at all. You can find my article repeated in hundreds of forums, chat-rooms, social websites, blogs and even in the comment section of other blogs. Here are a few:
Twitter, ProphetMohammed (Twitter suspended the account but here is the google cache of it)
Debbie Schlussel - comment to article A Better Londonistan Olympics Logo.
Is It Normal - Muslim Jokes
The God of Islam Has NO Sense of Humor
It should be noted that the God Of Christians and Jews is different than the God of Muslims. The God of Abraham gave his people a sense of humor. Allah's children got zip. You will find in Jewish humor many jokes involving God but you will never find a Muslim making fun of his God. Any God who would allow his children to be put to death for making fun of Him obviously has no sense of humor and takes Himself much too seriously.
I am an atheist and I believe if there were a God then we are indeed made in his image. Except for Muslims, the rest of humanity can poke fun at their God. Islam's God is a nasty, humorless piece of business indeed. Just writing this in a Shariah-ruled country would result in my death; how funny is that?
Some readers have asked, "Have you considered that there might be people who find these so-called jokes offensive?" Yes, I hope they are offensive. I hope Muslims are so offended that they reconsider why they are still Muslim. Certainly I understand that in the lands of Dar al-Islam they have no choice in the matter; they are stuck being Muslim. But they have a choice in America. Certainly those who are thinking of becoming Muslim should do otherwise after realizing how despicable Islam really is. In reality, these jokes are not offensive - what is offensive is thousands of Honor Killings every year that are excused in lands governed by Shariah Law; what is offensive is acid being thrown in thousands of Muslim women faces every year and excused in lands governed by Shariah Law (only 2% prosecuted), what is offensive is Muslims coming to civilized nations because they cannot stand living in their former countries and then trying to change our way of life into the same sort of crap hole they came from.
For those of my readers who are frustrated with Muslims who easily get offended at the silliest of things, here are some more truly tasteless and offensive Islamic jokes to vent your frustrations (and may Allah have mercy on your soul):
In my previous post All Jokes are Offensive - The Anatomy of Humor, I wrote: "A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.... The librarian recommends the Qur'an."
This is patently untrue. Libraries do not lend books to Muslims on how to do suicide bombings, no one brings the books back.
Q: Give an alternate book title for "Religion for dummies"?
A: The Qur'an.
I used to go out with a Muslim woman but her views on suicide bombing were too much to take. She eventually went off with someone else.
A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, "I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?"
"It was," replied the local, "But that all changed with the war."
"How did the war change things?" The journalist enquired.
The local replied, "Land mines."
Abdul: "Mahmood, I don't like the way you drive."
Mahmood: "OK, I'll hold the detonator and you drive."
Q: "Hey I heard you went to a Muslim wedding, how was it?"
A: "It was a blast."
A Muslim wife has just given birth to a little girl.
The father asks the doctor how long it will be before he can have sex.
The doctor says, "For f*k’s sake, Abdul, at least wait until she can walk."
Q: What's the worst thing about arranged marriages in Islam?
A: No matter who you get, you still end up with a Muslim.
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church, but only the caretaker was there.
One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the caretaker. He took them into the toilets and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time, then said, "Right, all done, now out you go and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Christians, because they usually pour water three times on your forehead, and we're not Jehovah’s Witnesses because they put all of you in."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes," they replied. "What do you think it means?"
He replied, "I think it means we're... Muslims."
Many people are not aware that many Muslims were mistreated by Nazis during the war: they were not given the medals they deserved for helping wipe out the Jews.
Q: How many Muslims can you fit on a Boeing 747?
A: Who cares - as long as they leave.
I went to a Muslim strip club last week, everyone was chanting "show us your face".
I feel bad for Muslims who bury their daughters for dishonoring the family; it must be tough still having them under foot.
Now that Michael Jackson is a Muslim, he can't be prosecuted for paedophilia.
A Muslim father is in the bath with his 3-year-old son.
Child: "Daddy, why is my willy different from yours?"
Father: "Well son, for a start, yours isn't erect."
A Muslim paedophile and a small child are walking through the woods. It's very stormy, with lightning spearing the sky and crashing thunder. The child looks up at the Muslim and says "I'm scared".
The Muslim says, "You think you've got it bad? I've got to walk back on my own!"
A new poll just came out in Pakistan: 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
I hear there's a document published with the names of people that are racists and bigots. These people want to spread hatred and terror throughout the world. The name of the document? The Qur'an.
Q: What do you call a Muslim desperate for a drink?
A: Allah Vabeer
I know what you are thinking, that Muslims don't drink alcohol; but as I reported in my post What Muslims do when they need a drink, most Muslims cheat.
A popular bar in Bahrain had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "what's your IQ?" The man replied, "140." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "what's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "what's your IQ?" The man replied, "65." The robot then said, "so, how are things in Saudi Arabia these days?"
Little Ahmed: "Ema, ema, can I lick the bowl clean?"
Mother: "No, just flush it like everyone else."
Q: What do you do if you see five Muslims up to their waists in concrete?
A: Pour more concrete.
Q: What did God say after creating Muslims?
A: "I can do better."
Hey, I get why Muslims carry out terrorist attacks: they're promised 72 virgins when they go to heaven. What I don't understand is what's in it for those virgins; here's what they're told: "You be a good little girl, always wear a burka, always wear a veil. You cannot go to school, get a job, learn to read, vote, drive, dance, play games or listen to music. You must live a life of absolute humility and celibacy. Then when you die you will go to heaven... where you will be raped by evil terrorists and be their sex slave for the rest of eternity."
Q: Muslim women think about having children. What do Muslim men think about?
A: Screwing children.
Q: How are young Muslim children just like Americans born after WWII?
A: They're both baby-boomers.
Q: How do you get rid of the red spot on a Pakistani's head?
A: Switch off the laser-sight on your gun. [In actual fact that red spot, known as a Bindi is not a Muslim thing, it's Hindu - but we need it for the joke]
Barack Obama and Gordon Brown were recently shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
Gordon Brown thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks "What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs, beeps, spits and coughs and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.
"Come on Gordon" asks Obama, "What does it say?"
"I can't read it - It's all in Arabic!"
It's easy to understand suicide bombers. It's the only real choice: to live your entire life as a Muslim or blow-up; a no-brainer when you come down to it.
Apparently, sniffer dogs can no longer sniff Muslims at airports any more because they believe they are dirty, unclean animals. I agree with the sniffer dogs.
Q: What’s the difference between a Muslim woman and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after four periods.
An Englishman, a Muslim and an African-American are in a hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth.
There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.
"There’s just one problem," she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don't know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?"
The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies. Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby.
"Yes, this is definitely my baby," he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me," says the African-American, "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son."
The Englishman pulls him aside and says, "I see where you’re coming from mate, but one of these babies is Muslim and I’m not prepared to take the risk".
Q: How do you stop an Egyptian tank?
A: Shoot the bastards pushing it.
Q: What's the difference between an onion and a Muslim wife?
A: The husband cries when he cuts up an onion.
Q: How does a Muslim get his wife pregnant?
A: He rapes her.
Gays in Iran
Photo Credit: Sherryx’s Weblog
A British Scientist is giving a lecture, and and announces his findings: "Well, after a long and careful study of Earth's movements and extrapolating them over the next six months, we have some rather shocking findings. There is some bad news and some good news.
The scientist continues, "Well, we have looked at this in great detail, and it appears that these plate movements will cause massive Earthquakes, which will greatly affect Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and the Middle East. In six months time over 50,000,000 Muslims might have been left homeless, starving and even dead. The situation will make it impossible for many people in affected areas to leave the country, too, meaning that individuals won't be able to find refuge in other nations."
The scientist looks at the crowd - they look horrified - he then says, "and the bad news is, it looks like this years FA cup final might have to be cancelled."
Q: How can you tell if a Muslim woman has committed suicide?
A: There are 50 stab wounds in her back.
Q: In Islam what is that useless bit of flesh around a vagina called?
A: A woman.
Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
3 to puzzle over the technology of a light bulb while wiggling their bottoms in the air 5 times a day, 3 to think more about it while wiggling their bottoms in the air 5 times a day, 3 to think really, really hard about how a light bulb works while wiggling their bottoms in the air 5 times a day, then 3 Muslims to decide that light bulbs are an evil infidel technology, four Muslims to destroy the light bulb, 2 to kill the people who sold the light bulb, 3 to kill everyone at the light bulb factory and three Muslims to blow themselves up when the ambulances come to tend the wounded. Finally, the 25th Muslim has to jump up and down screaming about how Islam is a religion of peace and tolerance.
Q: What does a Muslim do when the dishwasher stops working?
A: He smacks her across the face.
The best thing about being a Muslim is the fact that no one can see the marks on your wife after you've beaten her.
Sometimes one can't hide the marks. The founder of the first US cable television network aimed at dispelling the notion that Islam is savage, primitive, or violent has been arrested and charged with beheading his wife. Sometimes Muslims, just by being Muslims, write their own jokes.
The capital of Pakistan is Islamabad. The clue is in the name folks.
I just bought a new Muslim extremist calculator. It multiplies for years then f*king explodes!
Q: What is the difference between a roll of toilet paper and the Qur'an?
A: One is great for wiping your butt and the other comes in 1- and 2-ply.
A woman has just given birth in the hospital.
When she wakes up the doctor approaches and tells her, "I have some good news and some bad news..."
"OK," she says shaking, "Tell me the bad news first."
"I’m afraid your baby is a Muslim."
"That’s the bad news?! What’s the good news?"
My hope for the future:
New York 2051
A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."
The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"
Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that were the heart of the United States, but 50 years ago, a group of Muslims destroyed the buildings."
The boy thinks for a minute and then asks his father: "Daddy, what are Muslims?"
For my archive of Muslim humor, click here.
Fun In B.C. Forum, So These Two Cow Jockeys Go Into A Bar...
Q When is the only time you should wink at a REDNECK? A When aiming
Q What do REDNECK men use for birth control?
A their beerbelly
Q What do you call a REDNECK that owns 6 cows?
Q What do you call a REDNECK who owns a horse and a cow?
Q What do REDNECK men do during foreplay?
A Tickle the bull under it's chin
Q How many REDNECKS does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A Whats toilet paper?
Q How do you get a REDNECK woman pregnant?
A Dress her up as a bull
Q Whats the difference between a REDNECK and a dead horse?
A It's no fun beating a dead horse.