13 Things You Would Not Know Without Hollywood

I love movies. I particularly love old Hollywood movies because in those days they made America look great. In fact, in old American war movies, the enemies were evil and we were the good guys. But I watch the new stuff anyway because there are things I wouldn't know about the world without Hollywood telling me.

I have collected 13 categories of things you wouldn't know without Hollywood movies:

  1. Pretty Women

    Hot Ukrainian Girl
    Hot Ukrainian Girl
    Photo Credit: CharmingDate
    • Pretty Russian blondes are world experts on nuclear fission at the age of 24.

    • If staying in a haunted house, women always investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

    • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

    • While good guys are always good-looking and bad guys are always bad-looking, the opposite is true for women.

    • All evil businessman have a beautiful but deadly mistress who is an expert in martial arts and firearms and usually leads a team of thugs to do the businessman's dirty work.

    • All beautiful 20-year-old women are attracted to men three times their age.

  2. Bombs/Explosions

    • Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
    • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off and beep loudly if they are hidden.
    • Explosions always happen in slow motion.

  3. Cars

    driving distracted
    Flickr-User Tim Cookes

    • You can blow up a speeding car with a single 9mm round.

    • All cars blow up in a big fireball when they wreck.

    • Movie characters driving in the city will get to park wherever they like when they get to their destination.

    • When a car falls off a cliff after a car chase, it usually explodes before reaching the ground.

    • [This one I find the most annoying] The person behind the wheel is talking to and looking at their passenger for the entire journey without actually looking at the road and no one tells him to keep his eyes on the road.

  4. Computers

    • Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
    • No matter how modern the era, all computers have black screens with big, green letters.
    • All international money transfers require 5 minutes while a scrolling display shows an increasing amount of money flowing out of the bank.
    • You can hack a password in 5 tries or less.
    • A laptop battery can last for days at a time without being recharged
    • Wireless connection is available everywhere, including the sewers of New York, ancient burial tombs in Egypt, nuclear reactor cores, and the vaults of Fort Knox. This is helpful for using the laptop with the endless battery.

  5. Aliens/Demons

    • All members of alien species wear the same outfits, including clothing, hairstyles, and jewelry.
    • If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.
    • If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
    • No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

  6. Guns

    • 9mm pistols fire rounds with enough force to send people flying through the air.
    • A six-shot revolver can fire nine times without reloading.
    • Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.

  7. Police

    Die Hard [Blu-ray]

    • Any cop who is visiting on vacation is smarter and more competent than that city's indigenous police force.

    • You can avoid capture by the police simply by wading through a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade—at any time of the year.

    • Police officers whose partners died are deliberately assigned a new partner who is their total opposite, who they immediately despise, but who eventually they come to like.

    • A detective can only solve a case once he has been taken off the case or suspended.

    • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

    • Highly trained, heavily armed, armored SWAT teams are always led at the front by a middle-aged detective wearing nothing more than a trench coat and carrying a six shot revolver.

    • Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

  8. Escapes

    • When there is no way to get to the ground from the top of a 10 story building you can always jump into the Chinese restaurant’s dumpster (to which the lid is always open) below and walk away with noodles on your shoulder.
    • People are perfectly capable of outrunning on foot helicopter gunships shooting at them.
    • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
    • Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

  9. Drinking

    • A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober in a split second.
    • Only men are alcoholics. Any hopeless alcoholic can quit drinking when faced with an important challenge. The instant the alcoholic stops drinking, all his faculties return and he faces no annoying withdrawals.
    • Every time some guy walks into a bar, usually the hero, he gets into a fight. Usually right under a BUDWEISER sign. Likelihood of fight increases if country music is playing in the background.
    • When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly, flashing clenched teeth.

  10. Action Heroes

    • Our hero will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
    • Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
    • Bad guys will always get killed by a snake, while the hero simply reaches out and picks it up with his bare hands. (In addition, he will either break the reptile's neck or bite it's head off).
    • If the villain has a female hench-person, she will be disposed of by the hero's female sidekick. This true even if the hench-person is a hardened terrorist with a black belt in judo, and the sidekick's only previous contribution to the action has been to fall over and clutch her ankle during the chase scene.

  11. Evil People

    • At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
    • Evil scientists always have Nazi-sounding names and outfits.
    • The 'rich guy' is always evil.

  12. Phones

    the ring (2002)

    • It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

    • In a haunted house, whoever picks up a ringing phone dies next.

    • Cell phones never have outages, dropped calls or tower issues. Even in Siberia, all 5 bars are present without interruption and the urgent calls always get through.

    • Notwithstanding the above, if the killer is only a minute away, the cellphone will show "LOW BATTERY" and shut off just as you are about to get through to police.

    • Caller ID does not exist. The criminal always hangs up one second before the call can be traced.

  13. Clichéd

    • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
    • All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
    • All computer hackers are either disabled or under 18 years old.
    • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

N.B. The above was collected on the Internet with a few additions of my own and a big tip of the turban Hat Tip to ActionCutPrint.

This has been a Thursday 13 post [# 83] and is updated on some Thursdays.

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