Things that tick me off

I do not do graffiti nor do I vent my spleen by kicking small dogs or children. Luckily, whenever I need to rant I can do so within the confines of this blog; Here, in no order of importance are things that tick me off:

1) People who talk in movies really piss me off. Let's all admit it - it's usually someone with three syllables in her name like Shaniqwa. If you stare in her direction as a polite hint that she is an uncivilized animal she takes great offense. These are the same girls that if you walk too closely to them on a subway or deli, blurt out, "Excuse me?" meaning why didn't you apologize when you intruded too closely into their "space". See Number 2) below. I can't wait for theaters to get cell-phone jammers. The only exceptions to the no talking rule at theaters should be to yell fire or if they're showing Fahrenheit 9/11, in which case any distraction is welcome to overcome the boredom.

Other cellphone abuse is when I find sales clerks using their cellphone for personal calls while they are working. I always report such uncivilized behaviour to the store manager. Perhaps if they lose their jobs a few times they will learn to shut TFU.

2) Faux etiquette. Why is it that every black girl requires an "excuse me" from white people if you need to pass them? I usually reserve that for when I accidentally and viciously step on their foot. But just walking in between two girls who are talking to each other while blocking the aisle in a deli does not require me to apologize. One wonders why men know proper urinal etiquette without being taught, but black girls can't seem to learn proper behaviour in modern society. They want to be treated with respect but they have an attitude about it.

stand on left in escalator
Photo Credit: Mayhem & Chaos
3) People who stand on the left side of escalators drive me nuts. The left is for passing. It says so on most escalators. Why this is not taught in school I will never understand. When I say "pardon me" so that I may pass, I sometimes get a look like why are you trying to pass me up - don't you see me blocking the way? Some people think they own the space underneath which they are standing. (The rule is reversed in the UK, Australia, and former British Colonies)

4) People who think that they can drive on the left because they're going at the speed limit annoy me. The left is for passing.

5) People who don't have EZPASS. If you can afford car insurance - you can afford to send a $35 check to EZPASS. Sometimes I can't even get to the EZPASS lane because traffic is backed up so badly. If the lane is clear, I usually give a little honk and laugh at the poor bozos waiting in line while I jab my finger mockingly. My wife says someday someone will come after me and shoot me. How are they going to catch me? They don't have EZPASS. The only valid excuse for not getting one is for those few criminals who intend on murdering or raping someone that very day and don't want the law to know they went through the Lincoln Tunnel at 12:43 AM on the morning of April 25. Otherwise you are a moron.

6) People who voted for Ray Nagin, despite his disastrous handling of Katrina drive me up a wall. These are the same low-lives and trash that acquitted OJ Simpson. Perhaps we need to require a minimum IQ above that of idiot or moron before allowing a person to vote. Oh - I forgot, to pass that law we need the cooperation of Democratic legislators.

7) People who recycle irk me. It doesn't save the environment and it costs more money. Don't recycle. Get the facts and get over it.

8) People who buy $30 soaps irritate me. Unless the counter girl gives you a hand job with it, it's not worth it - get the 25 cent soap. Anything that smells like petals of lavender is not cleaning your hand any better. And stop with the anti-bacterial soaps already. If God wanted a world free of disgusting microbes and parasites he would never have created Union leaders like Roger Toussaint.

9) People who drive 20 mph below the speed limit drive me crazy. Get off the road. I never slam into drivers who are going faster than me. Think about it, you can only crash into someone going slower than you.

10) People who bid more on Ebay for the very exact item they can purchase for less at any store make me upset. Hey, lazy retard, search on Fatwallet before you start bidding. I know what you're thinking: why should I care if someone bids $1.20 for a one dollar bill? Well, if it wasn't for this idiot, I could have bought that bill for 80 cents. Someone can make a living buying things at stores and reselling them to fools on Ebay.

11) Pregnant women who smoke or drink alcohol boil my blood. But I shouldn't blame them. They are retards because their mothers smoked or drank while pregnant.

12) Parents who smoke while pushing their baby carriage tick me off.

13) People who feed pigeons push my buttons. Listen everybody - they're filthy, diseased, disgusting birds.

14) People who pretend not to see their pet pooping irritate me.

15) People who don't help bagging their own groceries bother me. They stand there watching the checkout person do all the work. Sometimes I try to shame them by going around them and asking if they would like me to help them bag. I usually hand them a plastic bag to help along.

15) Toll takers that got upset if you handed them a twenty-dollar bill (Before I got EZPASS) provoke me. That's why you're there, moron; if I had the exact change I wouldn't need to be in this lane.

16) Unions. Do I have to explain?

cell phone chargers

17) Cellphone chargers that don't match my new phone vex me. OK, I can handle Motorola chargers not matching Nokia phones, but I have had 6 Nokia phones none of which can use the same charger.

18) That the Apple Corporation charges $29.00 bucks for an iPod USB Power Adapter (should have been given free) that sells for $3.99 elsewhere or $12 for both the adapter and cable.

19) People who pay $2.99 for the 10 oz box of Rice Crispies when the 16 oz box sells for $2.49 disturb me. It's not like you need a calculator or anything. Bigger box - less money. Duh. I pointed this out to a woman once and she said that the big box would go to waste - she didn't eat that much?!!?

20) Multiculturalism or allowing other languages than English be taught in public schools or that other cultures are as good as Western Civilization riles the crap out of me. They are not. Westerners are not emigrating to Muslim or African countries. Know why? Because that way of life sucks.

21) People who litter gall the hell out of me. This includes most rude smokers and gum chewers. If you litter you are a filthy subhuman. I remember visiting Geneva back in 1968. Women were cleaning the steps up to their homes. The streets were absolutely spotless. Not one gum wrapper, not even a single cigarette butt. This is what you get when you teach children manners and culture as opposed to whatever nonsense that now passes for education in our public schools.

22) Receptionists, cashiers, customer service representatives who feel that they are doing you a favor answering your questions. That is your job. When someone gives me change I do not dance merrily around praising the lord that I got change. So don't act like I should.

23) Vonage and Cable Companies that charge more for business VoIP than Residential VoIP, tangle my nuts. Hey everybody: all you have to do is buy the residential service and move the device to your business and plug it into a broadband connection. Vonage, et al, won't know that you're making calls from your business, why pay twice as much?

24) This goes for Verizon and all the other Baby Bells on land line charges as well. Why should businesses pay more than residences?

25) What really grinds my teeth is when someone is making a list like this and numbers an item, say 15), twice.

26) fat slob drinking beerAnd finally, wives who take everything literally:

While I was watching the Sopranos a few days ago, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

### End of my article ###

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