Before I was a teen, I shined shoes for 10 cents a pair (1954), delivered newspapers in the rain at 5 in the morning, set 8 pound pins at a bowling alley for 10 cents a lane per game, worked behind the counter at my father's hosiery store, sold candy during recess to my 4th grade classmates (no gum), bought and sold stamps at stamp club meets, and tens of other jobs. In other words, I was like most young children in America in the 50's.

Young Americans today want to start at the top. And if not at the top they want a half million a year to start at the bottom, and even then they give you an attitude for your troubles. It's not that I refuse to hire Americans, but my employee manual usually frightens them off.

Workers who abide by this manual learn to become skillful and useful future employees for any business enterprise.

As a public service to my fellow businessmen, I offer you my employee manual. Feel free to modify it to suit your business.

Welcome to XXXXXXXXX Corporation

This will be brief. Please keep a copy of this in your wallet or purse or under your pillow should you need some late night reading. Please read it often enough so that you have it memorized.

Paydays:

Don't obsess about them.

Workday Hours:

Don't look at the clock.

Overtime Compensation:

If you need more time to finish your daily work, then by all means work longer. However, you will not be paid more to complete work you should have done in 8 hours. If we ask you to do someone else's job after your daily shift then we will gladly pay you 1.5 times your hourly wage even though you cannot give us the same effort after 8 hours of hard work as you gave in the first 8.

Rest periods:

Unless your principal activity is rigging offshore oil - what exactly do you need a break for? However, since studies have shown some productivity gains when short rests of 20 minutes are taken, then please avail yourself of two such breaks but only if you feel that it helps.

Holidays:

Pick 6 days. One of the days can be your birthday.

Sick days:

Don't get sick.

Personal time off:

• Funerals: Unless it is your spouse, mother, father, son or daughter schedule it during off-work hours but keep it to less than two funerals per year. Under no circumstances can you take the day off to attend the funeral of a non-relative.


• Your Wedding: Since these are planned, do not plan them during working days. If you have to go on a honeymoon, schedule it to coincide with vacation days that you would normally have taken.


• Other's Wedding: If your friend or relative will not schedule the wedding to fall on a non-work-day, then you can leave work 2 hours earlier provided that you pay for someone to replace you or you make up the extra time during the following week.


• Haircuts, salon visits, manicures: Not during the workweek. Ever.


• Dental appointments, needed surgeries, emergency operations: Schedule them on weekends (unless you work on weekends).

Flat Tire:

Using it as an excuse for coming late to work can only be used once. After that, buy tires that do not go flat. If you cannot afford good tires, commute to work. If, despite all your precautions, you do get another flat, then leave the car where it is and call a cab so as not to be late to work. If you are on flex time, then you have some leeway - but don't abuse it.

Personal Habits:

• Smoke Breaks: No. Never. If you smoke you lied to us since we do not hire smokers. We do not hire smokers because they spend the workday waiting to take a smoke break. Unless you spend the entire workday (plus 10%) focused on making my company profitable and successful, I do not want you working for me.


• Alcohol Use. Moderation. If we ever see you drunk - you are fired.


• Drug Use: Moderation. If we ever see you stoned - you are fired.


• Your personal life, if it doesn't intrude on company business, is your business.

Missing work:

No. Unless you are dying in a hospital (note from doctor relating to your terminal illness), do not miss work because you don't feel good or because your boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you. Suck it up or I will break up with you.

If your home is on fire and you can somehow assist the firefighters through your intimate knowledge of firefighting techniques unique to your domicile, then an exception can be made. Otherwise wait until the workday is over before visiting your smoldering ruins.

Leave the Office stuff alone:

• If there is music playing in the office, do not change the station. We have purposely made those selections to enhance the work environment and to make you more productive and efficacious.


• Do not clutter the walls with pithy quotes or posters of tropical Islands. If you'd rather be in Hawaii, move there.


• Do not change the temperature. If you are too cold, put on a sweater. If you're too hot, open a window.

Attitude:

When dealing with my customers and clients always be polite and helpful. Never speak ill of my competitors. In fact, never speak ill of anyone. Under no circumstances ever say anything bad about me or my company. If you do - you are gone and I will not only refuse to give you references, but I will hunt you down to let your new employer know how irresponsible, nasty and bad-mouthed an employee you are.

Dress code:

Unless you share some of the revenues with us, do not come dressed as a slut. Dress appropriately.

Speaking of sluts, do not come to work splashed deep in perfume like some old-time hooker. Perfume should be for romantic use only. Unless you are intent on shagging a co-worker during lunch, don't wear perfume. Read some suggestions of how to apply perfume here.

Cell Phones:

Do not use the phone during work hours. Exceptions will be made if someone in your family is dying and you, personally, have direct information that the doctors need in order to save that person's life. Otherwise, wait until you get home. There is nothing you can do to help the situation. Turn off your personal cell phone during business hours. If there is an emergency give your family my phone number. If it is indeed an emergency - I will pass the information along, otherwise I'll let you know when you're finished working.

Relatives:

Do not have relatives (or friends) visit you at work. If you want them to see your workplace we can, for a small fee, provide a video recording.

Confidentiality of Company Information:

Pretend you are in Las Vegas. Whatever happens at work stays at work.

Conflict of Interest:

Do not sell company secrets to our competitors. Do not buy products from our competitors. Violators will be shot.

Non-Productive Activity:

When at work, do not gossip, malinger, or waste time. If you feel compelled to do so, please go work for our competition.

Time Clock:

If you are an hourly employee, come to work early enough, so that you can take off your overcoat, fold your umbrella, finish off your coffee and donuts, put on your work-shoes, take a shower, whatever, in time to punch in on time. If it takes you 20 minutes to get ready to work, then show up 20 minutes earlier. You have 30 seconds after you punch in to start working.

Punch out on time - then and only then take a shower, get your overcoat, umbrella, or anything else you need to go home. If it takes you 20 minutes to get ready to leave - punch out first and then get your act together.

If we make a product that you would like to purchase - you must notify your immediate supervisor. Employee discounts are available. You cannot buy any of our products without a supervisor. Friends and relatives cannot buy products from you.

Only attend to business email while working. When sending emails to me or work-related emails to other employees follow my rules on company emails. Unless you are assigned to our porn division, you cannot spend any time on porn websites. Computer time can only be used for business and that business is the one paying your salary. You can, of course, spend your breaks reading my blog and spreading it among your friends.

Rehire:

If we fired you for cause you will never, ever be hired again.

Salary Merit Increases:

Make money for the company and we can talk.

Vacation, health benefits, Flexible Spending Accounts, Employee-Incurred Expenses and Reimbursement, Educational Assistance, etc.

We can discuss these if you last more than 6 months working for us and you have made the company more money than you cost us in salary.

If however, we paid you more than you were able to earn for us, we would appreciate your writing us a check for the difference.

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Related Topics:

Although I am in favor of unrestricted immigration, I do make one exception: No Muslims:

A Saudi Arabian linked to one of the September 11 hijackers spent four months in New Zealand before being expelled as a national security risk.

Michelle Malkin ">9/11-LINKED PILOT ON THE LOOSE

captain's quarters,
Guess Who Wanted To Fly In New Zealand?,

New Zealand authorities found out that an eager young student pilot might have more on his mind that just cruising through South Pacific clouds. The country deported Rayed Mohammed Abdullah Ali, an undeservedly obscure cast member from the 9/11 plot who told the Kiwis that his dream was to fly a commercial airliner:

Here are some frightening articles:

Further Adventures of Indigo Red,
SPPNA: The Open Plot to Dissolve the Union

Elitist[s] in the United States, Mexico, and Canada are plotting to merge these three nations into a single regional government, similar to the European Union.

Gates of Vienna,
Déjà Jenin All Over Again?

By now everyone has seen the video about the heartless IDF shelling those harmless Palestinian victims – innocent families on the Gaza beach for a happy outing – killed by a vicious attack from the Evil Entity.

So tell me, why was there a cameraman on the beach, set up and waiting for the tragedy to happen? Was it simply fortuitous, this camera filming the horrible events?

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ENDNOTES

(1):

CNN Money, Jobless rate higher for U.S.-born than immigrants

Despite the popular image of farm workers being the typical immigrant worker, the relatively low number of employees in the mechanized agricultural industry limits the number of jobs it provided to foreign-born workers. The BLS survey found only about 371,000 foreign-born agriculture employees in 2005, which equates to about 35 percent of that job classification. But it represents only 1.8 percent of immigrants who work here.