Photo Credit: train.cz

The Cheap Train Ride

Three Jews and three Poles are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Poles each buy tickets and watch as the three Jews buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Polack. "Watch and you'll see," one of the Jews answers. They all board the train. The Poles take their respective seats but all three Jews cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Poles saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Poles decide to copy the Jews on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Jews don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed Polack. "Watch and you'll see," one of the Jews answered. When they board the train the three Poles cram into a restroom and the three Jews cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Jews leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Poles are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

I was born of Jewish and Polish parents in 1945 so I am actually able to enjoy both sides of the above joke. I speak Polish fairly well, but my Yiddish is Ukh un vey, if you know what I mean.

I have been asked numerous times if I could teach someone to speak Polish. Well, I've been asked a few times. Actually, no one has asked me yet, but I suspect that this has more to do with shyness than with the actual desire to learn to speak Polish. I have put together a simple, 1,800 page Polish Primer that will have you saying such things as: "Dziadek lowi rybi. Nagle wyuskakuje z wody slota rybka, chwyta dziadka za gardlo…Ten krzyczy: 'Nie zartuj, stara, daj spokoj! Spelnie, twoje trzy zyczenia'" within a few years. Please email me your credit card info, some naked pics of a female relative, and the low fee of $17.95 [that's less than a penny per page]. You will be on your way to speaking one of the leading languages in the World.

And if you are one of the first 4,000 to sign up, you will get free, the exciting new book off the Polish press: "Polish Naval Heroes 1910-1911" where you will learn why the new Polish Navy has glass-bottomed boats: so they can look at the old Polish Navy. I know, old Polish joke.

And for those who ask why are Polacks singled out for these kinds of jokes, I respond that God has made sure to balance the world. We can make all the dumb Polack jokes we want but we stop laughing when we look at:

Izabella Scorupco was born in the north-eastern Polish town of Bialystok, where both my mother and my first wife were born (and yes, two different women, you pervert). Please check out my gallery of photos of Izabella here.