Pacific Palisades Charter High School Phone Message Hoax from Planck's Constant

Palisades Charter High School!
Photo by: Silent Sensei

I get a few urban legend emails every week from readers who wish for me to comment or blog on the matter. Almost every item can easily be validated as an Internet hoax, rumor, or urban myth by checking with the various debunking websites such as Snopes.com and urbanlegends.about.com. But those who forward these emails do not want the letter exposed as an urban legend, they want to believe it to be true.

They want to believe that somewhere on this planet there is a group of individuals with the common sense and even more, the testicles, to say words that need to be said, unafraid to speak the truth, as politically incorrect as that may be; that in fact heroes do exist.

William Blake wrote, "Everything possible to be believed is an image of the truth." And while this sentiment may be used to justify a belief in angels and devils, on this blog we deal in the real world and so the following email is, sadly, untrue.

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

Sometimes the message will end with "If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!" or "If you can read this thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a veteran." Which addenda seem to appear in very many email myths.

As much as we would love to believe that some school actually had this message on their voice mail system, it was created as a sarcastic response to a controversy at Pacific Palisades Charter High School in California. See Snopes.

In 2002 an imbroglio erupted between parents and school authorities at Pacific Palisades Charter High School over an attendance policy. The school is a Palisades Charter School, which operates under the Los Angeles Unified School District, but supposedly independently.

The school started a policy to give automatic failures to any student who racked up more than ten unexcused absences during the term and notified the parents of the policy. In the first term of 2002, more than a hundred students who had passing grades were flunked because of absences and tardies in excess of the targeted limit.

The parents went berserk. Some said they didn't know about the policy and threatened to take the issue to court. Then the LA Unified School District stuck their noses into the matter, siding with the parents, saying that since the attendance policy had not been cleared with them, the failing grades would have to be set aside.

Palisades High School disagreed, citing the privilege of operating autonomously because of being a charter school.

So, in response to all the frustrations brought up by this matter, someone created this fictional answering machine message, which has circulated since 2002 of what teachers and administrators would like to be able to say to some parents.

From the other side, Craig Ceely has his own letter he would like sent to teachers and school administrators:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of a homeowner and taxpayer.

In order to assist you in determining just what ~~rung of hell to which you'll be consigned~~ view I hold of the public school ~~nomenklatura~~ establishment, please listen to all options below before making a selection:

If you are calling to explain why principals and directors ~~think they're busier than Bill Clinton in a sorority house~~ fail to return calls--press 1.

If you're calling to explain why you ~~dispense Ritalin like candy~~ medicate as many children as possible for ADHD inside while posting signs outside proclaiming your ~~government indoctrination centers~~ schools to be "Drug Free Zones" -- press 2.

If you are calling to explain why teachers ~~couldn't make the grade at McDonald's~~ fail basic competency exams we expect our eleventh-graders to pass -- press 3.

If you are calling to explain ~~why Mafia-union featherbedding is your organizational model~~ why there are more "administrators" than there are teachers -- press 4.

If you are calling to ~~denounce me as an anti-intellectual, stone-headed troglodyte~~ explain why the NEA's stranglehold over the Democratic Party is good for the country, and anyway there is no such thing -- press 5.

If you are calling to explain why ~~everything has been dumbed down to the conceptual level of paramecia~~ generations ago we taught Greek and Latin in high school and now we have to teach remedial English in our colleges -- press 6.

If you are calling to explain why it is morally acceptable for you to ~~coast~~ enjoy tenure while being paid from ~~money stolen from me to "educate" other people's kids~~ bond issues and property taxes, while I enjoy no such advantages -- press 7.

If you are calling to explain your ~~stark, raving terror~~ opposition to ~~facts of life for everyone else making a living~~ merit pay or competence testing -- press 8.

If you are calling to explain why almost all school textbooks ~~would better serve the community as free, public, toilet paper~~ aren't as interesting as real books, but are used anyway -- press 9.

If you are calling to explain why it's "socialization," and good, if it takes place in a ~~government indoctrination center~~ school, but it's "peer pressure," and bad, if it takes place anywhere else you don't control -- press 0.

If you realize that you benefit as a member of a coercive monopoly cartel, funded by a protection racket, and that it's not MY fault you couldn't get into law school or a good grad school -- HANG UP and HAVE A NICE DAY!