"In God We Trust" officially removed from all US currency at the request of the Chinese.

France pleads for global help after surrendering to Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces weekly mail delivery to Wednesday only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 as lethal weapons

Congress authorizes direct deposit of previously illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Richest man in America, Bill Gates, Jr. has more than $400 in bank account.

AL Gore receives second Nobel Prize for "Unintended Consequences, Pathway to the Ice Age"

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines!

On a serious note: as much as these headlines may be amusing, the following actually published headline,

Machines 'to match man by 2029'

may in fact be the salvation of our country. Here's the story:

BBC, Machines 'to match man by 2029'

Humanity is on the brink of advances that will see tiny robots implanted in people's brains to make them more intelligent, said Ray Kurzweil.

The engineer believes machines and humans will eventually merge through devices implanted in the body to boost intelligence and health.

...

"I've made the case that we will have both the hardware and the software to achieve human level artificial intelligence with the broad suppleness of human intelligence including our emotional intelligence by 2029," he said.

...

"We'll have intelligent nanobots go into our brains through the capillaries and interact directly with our biological neurons," he told BBC News.

Once the general population has these intelligence boosters implanted in their brains, there should no longer be any Liberal idiots voting for other Liberal idiots. The Democratic Party will cease to exist and hopefully we can turn this country into a truly Capitalistic society.