Twitter for Dogs and Muslims from Planck's Constant

Women take photos with their cell phones of the new 5,000-pound copper cap as it is raised onto the tower at the new Islamic Society of Boston's Cultural Center and Mosque in Roxbury.

Before I mention the new twitter device for Muslims let me give you some background: at a conference in January, Toy Maker Mattel announced its newest product: Puppy Tweets ¹ - a dog collar attachment which allows dogs to use Twitter.

The device is preloaded with 500 Twitter phrases designed to make your pet's ordinary activities sound witty and interesting. Your dog merely has to stir to send a new tweet. Here are a few pre-written phrases you're likely to see tweeted via a text message:

"I bark because I miss you. There I said it. Now hurry home."

"Can we get some sparkling water for the toilet bowl?"

"It's hard to tweet when you’re all paws."

"It's not the catching of the tail, it's the chase."

"Guess what I'm licking right now."

Then last week I came across the blog Simple Thoughts that discussed the various ways a Muslim man can divorce his wife in the digital age:

How To Divorce (Muslim’s Only) Through Twitter
A study on “Marriage and divorce amongst Muslim women in India”, undertaken by Ms Sahiba Hussain, reader, Centre for Dalit and Minorities, Jamia Milia Islamia, highlights that more and more men are giving talaq [divorce] via SMS and email.

...

Twitter is actually better suited for sending a Talaq (divorce) message. You can DM a talaq for privacy but if you want to inflict the maximum mental anguish then just @ your talaq message:

@your_wife talaq talaq talaq

for the whole world to see and make her suffer with the biggest imaginable public humiliation possible. After all that's the idea, isn't it?

So I thought to myself, Muslims who do not speak English should not be left out of the social media scene, after all, the more they participate in our culture the more likely they are to assimilate and become better citizens.

Therefore as a public service I offer Planck's Muslim Tweeter, a device that comes in two varieties, one for the Muslim male which attaches to his vest and one for the Muslim female which attaches to the collar hidden under her abaya.

The device monitors blood pressure and certain uttered Arabic phrases and then proceeds to tweet an appropriate pre-recorded message in English; here are some samples:

For Muslim men -

You cannot insult our Prophet - I will keel you!

Christianity is sister religion to Islam - however your Bible is corrupt and almost all of you are going to hell: http://bit.ly/aw6spT

Ahmed, guess who I am beheading now.

Wooh! These new vests are really tight.

Hey, Fatima you are now 9 years old - time to buy that wedding dress.

My wife dressed up as a goat last night - she really knows how to add sparkle to our marriage http://bit.ly/9s3TMn.

Visited an infidel home yesterday - they have this roll of white paper in the bathroom - anyone know what that's for?

Hey Mahmood - want to see the gates of Paradise? Just search "brittany spears reveals panties"

I just saw a hot dog stand in New York - how come they only sell that one part of the dog?

Just saw sign at the New Coney Island that bungee jumping is free for Muslims - no strings attached.

Americans are so afraid of clocks - I keep an alarm clock in my backpack for prayer times, whenever they hear it ticking they run. Funny, that.

Just read that a man locked his daughter in a cellar for 24 years, beat her, raped her - I don't understand what all the fuss is about.

Is this a trick question - someone asked me if I stopped beating my wife - obviously I answered no.

For Muslim women -

No one forces me to wear a burqa, even though it's only 102 degrees outside.

I told my husband either the goat goes or I go. Anyone know of a cheap apartment?

An infidle insulted me 4 wearing a burqa. Witch skool teached him to talc like dis? Infidles r dust to stoopid.

They asked me to remove by hijab at the airport - I refused - those bombs make me look so fat.

My girlfriend Tissa got stoned last night. I will miss her.

I asked my husband, "What is a pedophile?" He said he would tell me when I turn 13.

Americans are so stupid - they always ask me why Muslims wear beards. My husband would kill me if he caught me shaving.

Notes

(1):

engadget, Puppy Tweets will turn your Pooper into a world-class twitterer
If you thought the downfall of Twitter began when Oprah said it was the best thing ever, well, you're probably right, but this latest toy from Mattel won't help to improve the situation. It's called Puppy Tweets, a little clasp that hangs from your pooch's collar and detects what it's up to -- presumably making wild guesses based on accelerometer and microphone readings. It was announced last month and is being shown off at the NY Toy Fair, where Mattel is pledging it can detect 500 different activities and turn them into 140-character witticisms, like: "It's not the catching of the tail, it's the chase," and "Guess what I'm licking right now." Yep, a real product, and $30 will get you yours in either pink or blue.