The Essence Of True Charity Is To Give Without Expecting Anything In Return
A friend, let me call her Betty, recently was the recipient of an act of kindness from the couple next door and thought it would be appropriate to leave a gift basket of fruit as a thank you. That same day they returned the gift-basket with a note that they did not need the gift. Betty asked me if I thought that what they did was rude or not.
At first blush it appears quite rude but there might be a good reason that they refused the gift. Perhaps in their act of kindness they had no expectation of anything in return. We recall the words of Jesus in Acts 20:35 - "It is more blessed to give than to receive." Perhaps they thought the blessing they obtained by giving would be nullified by accepting something in return.
Or it could have been that they didn't consider their act of kindness as anything important enough to warrant a gift. Perhaps they now viewed the gift from Betty as putting a burden on them to give her a gift in return. They may even be allergic to fruit. Or perhaps they mistakenly believed that Betty could ill afford to give anyone a gift. Or perhaps they are religiously opposed to receiving gifts.
I bring up this last reason because you should not give gifts to people unless you know exactly what kind of gift they would like or if they like receiving gifts at all. Despite all that, Betty's neighbors could have handled it better. We have all received gifts that we don't like, want, or need and my advice is to white lie; here are 6 steps you can take when receiving something you do not like or want or is just terrible:
wikiHow, How to Accept a Gift You Don't Want
Every once in a while, you are going to get a gift at Christmas or your birthday that you don't want. Here is a guide that will help you accept it in front the person who gave it to you.
- When you unwrap it and see that it isn't what you wanted, don't let your smile fade. Don't plaster the cheesiest smile on your face, either. Keep it natural. Act like you are unwrapping a gift you love.
- Keep your smile bright and say a couple of things like "What a thoughtful gift." Don't say more than two or you'll sound sarcastic.
- If it's clothing, whoever gave it to you will probably have a receipt in case it doesn't fit or you don't like it. In case they did not include the receipt with your gift, ask them for it so you can return it and get something you like. If they do not have it, ask them where they purchased it. Most stores will accept merchandise without a receipt. However, you may be limited to store credit.
- Save the gift in the package if there is one. If you take it to the store after Christmas, they may let you get something else.
- If it's a gift that someone else you know will love, give it to them instead.
- If all else fails, you can always donate it to a charity.
As might be in the case of Betty's neighbors: they may not like getting gifts at all. The best thing to do with these people is not to get angry that they didn't lovingly accept your gift or that they threw it away or even that they gave it back. We've all heard of the expression, "It's the thought that counts." I believe that. If you give someone a gift, it's not your business what they do with it. Your job is done. You gave a gift - that is it - you should expect nothing in return.
Wanting to know if the beneficiary of your gift is ecstatic over the gift or is using it everyday is to desire something in return for giving. If you expect something in return, a thank you card or satisfaction that the person really liked the gift, then it wasn't a gift. It's not a gift if you get angry or upset over what the person did or did not do with the gift.
The next time you give a gift, repeat to yourself this Buddhist (1) saying: "The essence of true charity is to give something without expecting anything in return for the gift."
So to Betty I give this advice: if you were insulted when they returned the gift, then it wasn't a gift. You should expect nothing in return for a gift, neither gratitude nor ingratitude. If this incident with your neighbors teaches you the lesson not to expect anything in return for a gift, then your neighbors have given you a valuable gift indeed.
ENDNOTES
(1):
BuddhaSasana, Real Charity
The essence of true charity is to give something without expecting anything in return for the gift. If a person expects some material benefit to arise from his gift, he is only performing an act of bartering and not charity. A charitable person should not make other people feel indebted to him or use charity as a way of exercising control over them. He should not even expect others to be grateful, for most people are forgetful though not necessarily ungrateful. The act of true charity is wholesome, has no strings attached, and leaves both the giver and the recipient free.
The meritorious deed of charity is highly praised by every religion. Those who have enough to maintain themselves should think of others and extend their generosity deserving cases. Among people who practise charity, there are some who give as a means of attracting others into their religion or creed. Such an act of giving which is performed with the ulterior motive of conversion cannot really be said to be true charity.
