Spermine is a powerful
antioxidant in human sperm
Photo Credit: HuffPost

Wait, don't go away, this is no joke. Zoe Ruderman, writing for the Cosmopolitan, paid $250.00 for a sperm facial at a New York City spa. That's right - a woman paid to have love-juice applied to her face. she claimed that the immediate effect was that her skin felt very smooth and moisturized and that days later it was noticeably clearer.

If you are wondering where the spa gets the sperm, a Norwegian company, Bioforskning [yes, that is its real corporate name], sells sperm-based products. I feel compelled to say that the company no doubt employs a lot of jerk-offs. OK, OK - let's get serious. Bioforskning claims its Skinscience Spermine offers 25 times the cellular protection of vitamin E.

Gurl.com also weighs in on the matter reporting that spas offering spermine treatment incorporate the spunky stuff with lasers or infrared light to make a pretty penetrating facial.

Don't have a few hundred dollars to spend at a spa? 'All you need is a lover but if you don't have one, you know what to do. All you need to do is, every ten days or two weeks, just both have a good time, make sure he has a good time, and when your beautiful love-making session is over, you are going to scoop this amazing sperm mask up in your fingers, put it on your face, leave it for fifteen minutes and wash it off.' That's the advice of a 67-year-old grandmother who claims that sperm facials are her anti-aging secret and even made a video tutorial about it.

Want the real thing but making love to a stranger too icky for you? A 26-year-old single mother of two reports that she has a friend who platonically supplies her with real sperm once or twice a week for a semen facial mask to help treat her rosacea.

But with material produced directly from the source be careful of allergic reactions or sexually transmitted disease:

• About 20,000 to 40,000 women in the U.S. are allergic to sperm [technical term: seminal plasma hypersensitivity]. "Some women break out in hives or feel like there’s a needle pricking their vagina..." [I know, I know - this subject certainly brings out double entendres]. I don't know if the manufactured product is more hypoallergenic than the hand-made product [omg - I can't stop].


• If infected semen should come into contact with the woman's broken skin or sensitive mucous membranes such as her eyes, lips or mouth, there is a risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. So know your partner.

I hope you enjoyed this article although some of you may have found it hard to swallow [yeah, yeah].