New Element Added to Atomic Chart
Scientists have recently concluded that woman as we know her is actually an atomic element and she is now included in the periodic table of atomic elements. Men are cautioned however, that she is very dangerous and accordingly is listed as a hazardous material. Approach with caution and handle with kid gloves.
If you have trouble viewing chart, click on image for large view.
Here are more details than in the warning notice:
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM - MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo (As in WOE is me! Some Talk Show hosts write it as Ho)
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 75 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Body surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
2. Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.
3. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Melts if given special treatment.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Reacts well to gold, platinum, and all precious stones.
2. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
3. The most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
4. Absorbs great quantities of more expensive substances.
5. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can greatly aid relaxation.
3. Can be a very effective cleaning agent.
HAZARDS:
1. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
2. Possession of more than one is possible but specimens must never make eye contact.
3. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
4. Do not enter any room with the alternate symbol for WOMAN:
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE!
WEAR PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT TO PREVENT VIRUS-LIKE GROWTHS FROM OCCURRING.
TEST:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Sometimes turns green - See #1 under Hazards.
Now for all my women readers who are crying foul:
MEN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: MAN
SYMBOL: Ego
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars".
Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense.
3. Melts if treated like a God.
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones. However, is attracted to quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman (see Woman: Reacts well to gold, platinum, and all precious stones). It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.
8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9. Is impervious to embarrassment.
10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.
As for how one should proceed to mix these elements; the process is called sex. However, that short syllable does not completely explain the entire process; here is the flowchart (click on image for larger view):
Related Elements:
Cg : Scientists were hoping to add Congress (Atomic Number 435) but unfortunately they can never be found in a solution.
Tm: Taxinium, can be seen everywhere except when needed, exists in two states, either in motion or rest. When in motion, it will not stop, if at rest will go into motion before you get there. It has a variable charge associated with it that cannot be determined in advance. Related to Copsium (Symbol: Donut) which can always be found except when you need them.
Lb: Liberalium, a very dense element that has a very short half-life in that it is constantly trying to self-destruct. It reproduces by sticking its head up its ass and talking shit.
[Source: Collected from various Internet Sources]
