Henry Louis Gates: 13 Ways to Talk to a Cop from Planck's Constant

Some of my readers might know that Harvard Prof Henry Louis Gates Jr wrote a book entitled "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Black Man". What some of you may not know is that Gates also wrote a handy guide specifically for blacks on how to talk to cops.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Gates is an idiot so what could he possibly offer as advice on dealing with cops?" But you would be wrong. Blacks who follow his instructions will find it very easy to slip out of trouble and avoid confrontations with police that might escalate into violence and arrest.

Since his book is yet unpublished, I am offering my readers an exclusive, condensed preview found at no other blog anywhere. Here for your edification is the wit and wisdom of Harvard Prof Henry Louis Gates Jr.

Thirteen Ways to Talk to a Cop

(These are guaranteed to keep you from being arrested, trust me, I am one of this country's most erudite and respected black professors)

Be Inquisitive: Aggressively stare at the cop and ask, "Who the f*ck are you looking at, muthu-f*ckuh?"
Be Assertive about yourself: Point at your chest and ask, "Do you know who the f*ck you're messin' with?"
Be surprised: Look around as if searching the sky for UFOs and forcefully yell out at the top of your lungs, "This is what happens to black men in America!!!"
Be in charge: No matter what the cop says, interrupt him as often as you can all the while taunting him with, "Watchya gonna do, Mutha-f*ckuh?"
Be funny: while poking his badge, tell him that when you are finished with him, he won't see daylight unless he looks out his ass. Then laugh.
Be respectfully disagreeable: When asked for your name, sneer and say, "F*ck you." and demand to know his name: "Who the f*ck are you?"
Inquire about his family: "You wanna see me outside? I'll see your mama outside."
Show speed and agility: If a police officer asks to see a drivers license, quickly lunge for the glove compartment and pull out any long, tube-shaped object to show how athletic you are.
Be Playful: While the officer is looking at your ID, quickly lash out with: "Bang, Bang." Then if you have time, say, "Only kidding." Playing pranks on one another is very endearing to American males and cops are no different; they enjoy a good surprise, just like anyone else.
Be curious as to how the officer views himself: "Who the f*ck do you think you are?"
Be laconic: "I ain't tellin you sh*t, whitey."
Protect yourself against Identity theft: When asked for identification, say, "No I will not." Hands on the hips at this moment work well.
Invite onlookers to join the fun: Start yelling to draw a crowd. All cops are attention hogs who love it when a mob gathers to appreciate their police work.

Disclaimer: Do not attempt to use any of these phrases on law enforcement personnel outside of the US as it will be your ass. Definitely never try these in Arab Muslim countries since Arabs hate blacks even more than they hate Jews. As proof, it should be noted that when Blacks try to escape from Muslim butchery in Africa, they go to Israel, because no Arab Muslim country will take them in as refugees.

This has been a Thursday 13 post [#47]