How to Simply Fix Your iPhone4 Reception from Planck's Constant

An old vaudeville routine goes like this: a guy goes to the doctor and says, "Hey doc, it hurts when I do this [bending his finger]. The doctor replies, "Then don't do that!"

Similarly, when thousands complained of dropped calls and poor reception on their new iPhone 4 when they held it a certain way, Steve Jobs told them, "Then don't do that!"

Sadly, another solution, a thing called the bumper, before today outrageously sold for $29.00 on Apple's website. A company that doesn't have complete contempt for their customers would have given them away free right at the outset of the problem. But finally under intense pressure they did the right thing: Apple will offer free rubber "bumpers" to anyone who bought an iPhone 4. Now was that so hard?

Before today there was a cheaper solution than laying out 29 bucks: duct tape. One simply had to slap a piece of duct tape over the antenna connection and your reception problems were eliminated.

In a previous article I pointed out that Barack Obama was able to fix our economy using duct tape.

So here are some other things one can fix using the miraculous sealing and holding powers of duct tape:

Here's a perennial problem: sometimes your pants do not cover your butt when you sit down. A little duct tape solves the creeping crack problem. Also handy for plumbers.

Here is your standard Redneck birth control.

For babysitters, worried about the baby wandering off while they are sexting their boyfriends:

The following is the standard Muslim method of keeping your wife/slave/kidnap victim quiet.

Duct tape is certainly more attractive than a bra for getting attention on TV:

And let's not forget the most important use of all, for shipping. Here is a package that's ready to be shipped with bubble wrap and duct tape. Don't forget to mark it FRAGILE:

However, there are a few things you should not use duct tape for, here is one: Do Not use it as a mask to rob a liquor store ¹ (with a tip tip of the turban Hat Tip to Freaking News):

Let me conclude by mentioning the Two Rules of Life:

If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use duct tape.

Notes

(1):

WSAZ News, Duct Tape Bandit Robs Liquor Store
Robbery is a serious problem for retail stores across our region. But the employees of Shamrock Liquors in Ashland, Kentucky, can't stop laughing about what happened last Friday at the store along 13th street.
Police say Kasey Kazee walked in to the store with duct tape wrapped around his head to conceal his face.

Fortunately, store manager Bill Steele had some duct tape of his own. Steel had a wooden club wrapped with duct tape that eventually sent the suspect fleeing the store.

Store employee Craig Miller says he chased Kazee to the parking lot, tackled him and held him in a choke positiion until police arrived. An unidentified customer also helped.