Poodwaddle Life Clock Tells Me I Will Kick the Bucket in 2042

By Bernie on 03 Feb 2013

kill yourself bernie
Photo Credit: Business Insider

Some of the readers of my article If Only Sarai Sierra Had Read My Blog She Would not be Missing in Turkey expressed an interest in seeing me do myself in or even better, getting raped, tortured and then killed.

I expect these sentiments among my Muslim readers, but it is interesting to note that even infidels who defend Islam, who claim that Islam is nothing but peace and love, that those individuals are in their hearts just as bloodthirsty, nasty and intolerant.

I however, intend to continue blogging for many decades. But just for poops and giggles I decided to check out a scientific process: The Poodwaddle Life Clock estimates that I will likely hang up my blogging pen for good in the year 2042.

Here is their printout after I filled out their form:

Poodwaddle Life Clock


Your Age: 67.9 years

Projected Life Span (total years you will live): 97.4
Projected Life Expectancy (years remaining): 29.5

Life Expectancy Factors

The average life span for your region is 78. You are expected to live 19.4 years longer than average due to your health and lifestyle.

GENDER: -2.5 years
Men live 5 years less than women. Not much you can do about that. Sulk if you like.

Your family history rewards you with a few extra years. Remember to thank your mom.

SMOKING: 2 years
Since you are not a smoker you gain 2 years over the average life span (15-25 years longer than smokers). If you recently stopped smoking it will take 10 years for the risk of lung cancer to return to that of a non-smoker and 15 for heart attack risk to return to normal.

DRINKING: 1 years
Recent research has shown that 1 to 2 drinks of red wine and some other alcohols can be good for you... and make you a heck of a lot less dull.

WEIGHT: -2 years (BMI: 29)
Your BMI score classifies you as overweight. Being overweight raises your risk of heart disease, diabetes, cancers, sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, gallbladder disease, and so many other conditions. Now put down the twinky and go do some exercise.

HEALTH: -1 years
Hypertension, high cholesterol, and high blood sugar are like a ticking time bomb with a busted clock. You don't know when it's going off but if you don't do something it's gonna blow up in your face.

DIET: 1 years
You seem to be eating well.

EXERCISE: 2 years
Exercising 20-40 minutes each day can add many years to your life.

HAPPINESS: 4 years
As Emerson said, "Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." Keep smiling :)

EDUCATION: 0 years
Not surprisingly, higher education equals longer life.

DRIVING: 2 years
You're no fool.The average person has a 30% chance of being in a serious accident in their lifetime but your odds are lower than average.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” - James Dean

This should be good news to those readers who enjoy my articles. For those who do not enjoy my articles, I wish for your vision to clear and that one day you properly see the threat that Islam poses to our civilization.

Anyone may republish this article for non-commercial use without asking my permission. I make it easy, see details here.

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