By Bernie on 14 Mar 2013
This morning I drove my wife to the airport to visit her brother and sister-in-law. She was supposed to arrive one hour before boarding so I tried to get her there with a little time to spare, say like 90 minutes early; however before she left she had to do the laundry, water the plants, hang stuff in the closet, do the dishes, mop the floor and a few hundred other things that were completely unnecessary. We arrived with barely a minute to spare.
This is not an indictment of my wife, it's just that men and women are different. Here for the edification of my readers is a list of 13 differences between men and women:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Women look good in hats.
Men look like jerks.
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.
The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Although men are vain they will only check themselves out in a mirror.
Women, however, are absurdly ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness; they will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize
that White Hen store."
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
A man will only dress up for weddings or funerals.
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
This has been a Thursday 13 post [# 81] and is updated on some Thursdays.
Photo credits (Except for purchases through Amazon, I do not receive compensation from any corporations linked to):
Man's Wolverine Trooper Style Fur Hat: Glacier Wear
Woman's Winter Russian Ushanka Fur Hat: ioffer
Man's bathroom: Super4web.
Woman's bathroom: Eltpics.
Gone with the Wind (1939), courtesy Selznick International Pictures.
The Public Enemy (1931), courtesy Warner Brothers.
These were gathered from an Internet email, and as usual, I added some material of my own.
Anyone may republish this article for non-commercial use without asking my permission. I make it easy, see details here.
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