By Bernie on 21 Mar 2013
Last week I offered 13 Differences Between Men and Women. I hope you didn't think there were only 13 and so, due to popular demand (actually I was the only one), I now offer 13 more:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.
Women's magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men see the telephone as a communications tool, using it to convey short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women love Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Nudity in Movies
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a *man*.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere (Breathless (1983)). This is another reason why men hate him.
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
This has been a Thursday 13 post [# 82] and is updated on some Thursdays.
Photo credits (I do not receive compensation from any corporations linked to):
Male Cheerleaders: News.com.au
Richard Gere: Courtesy Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer